To Really Trust a Woman
To really love a woman is to give her your complete trust. I love the line in Bryan Adams’ song, “… and when you find yourself lying helpless in her arms, you know you really love a woman.” To lay helpless in her arms, you need to give up control and be vulnerable. You need to trust that she will not intentionally hurt you, that she is looking out for your well-being, fully on your side, and watching your back. Even more importantly, you can trust in a higher power expressing through your beloved, an abundance of love and caring that can come through her.
Becoming vulnerable with a woman teaches you all about trust. I often hear, “I’ll be more vulnerable with her when I trust her more.” This attitude doesn’t work. Your vulnerability opens the door to trust, and trust opens the door to love. “Lying helpless in her arms” proves that you can trust her.
If you don’t ask her for help, how can you learn to really trust her? Let me share an important lesson from my own life, a time when I really needed Joyce’s help, and needed to fully trust her wisdom. My father, although often a loving man, was prone to noisy outbursts of anger. As a child, these “temper tantrums” affected me deeply. To cope, I learned to tune out the abrasive yelling, to not even hear it on a conscious level. It was my way of protecting my sensitive feelings. This coping skill got me through my childhood, but no longer served me as an adult. In my relationship with Joyce, if something I did upset her and she expressed her feelings to me, my lifelong skill of tuning out and thus not hearing her was anything but skillful. So, trusting Joyce as my teacher, I asked her to help me stay present with her in all my feelings. I have been learning to overcome my fear of strong emotions, and to healthily express my own emotions, thanks to my wife.
I didn’t always have this complete trust of Joyce. When we used to have heated arguments in our early years together, it sometimes felt like she was out to get me, that we were on different sides, even that our very relationship was threatened. We still get angry, even heatedly so, but now I trust Joyce. I trust that no matter how angry she is at me, she is still committed to getting back to love. This is no little thing. I trust that she will do whatever it takes to open her heart to me, and this helps me to be more accountable for my own anger. It gives me permission to find ways to open my heart to her as well.
I used to have difficulty trusting Joyce with co-leading groups. When we were both twenty-seven, she joined me in doing group process work. I had more training and experience. I knew more than she did, and she agreed. She often meekly sat beside me, while I did most of the leading. Then she realized it didn’t matter that Iknew more. She started listening to her intuition, and loving each person completely. I may have been the therapist, but she was the lover. It didn’t take me long to see the light. When group participants felt loved by Joyce, they felt safer and opened up more. I started to see the wisdom of the goddess coming through her. I learned to trust that wisdom, to depend on it.
However, old habits die slowly. Perhaps our greatest challenge in working together has been my old habit of being the therapist, of interrupting Joyce to make a point. Coming more from the heart, Joyce is quieter and slower to speak, with sometimes long pauses between her words. Additionally, she grew up in a family where people actually listened to one another, where one person stopped talking and then another began. I, on the other hand, grew up in a family where everyone talked at the same time, and whoever talked louder might be the one heard. There was no such thing as a pause between words, let alone sentences. Even the slightest pause was simply an invitation for someone to butt in.
So Joyce would be speaking to the group, and there would be a pause while she felt deeply for the right words. I would feel uncomfortable with this thing called silence between words, a gap that must be filled with sound, and would jump in to save the day. This would, of course, hurt Joyce. To her it was an act of disrespect. She felt not trusted, not needed, even not wanted. At times she has even wanted to give up working together with me doing groups.
I love Joyce by trusting her completely in front of a group. I love her by creating room for her to share her wisdom, by making space for the goddess, by sitting back and drinking in her love-infused words. I love her by trusting that she can say things I can’t, that her perspective balances mine, that the two of us united are much more effective than either one of us as individuals.
Sometimes Joyce perceives things that I don’t. In one of our early groups, there was a single woman who needed my love in a way that crossed over a very subtle line, but a line that Joyce saw and felt. In just one moment, while saying goodbye to her, with just a few words, I allowed myself to be the one to fill her need. Energetically, I crossed that same subtle line from professional to personal. Joyce whispered, “Now you’re in trouble, Barry. Just wait and see.”
I looked at her incredulous. “What are you talking about?”
“You gave something to her that wasn’t yours to give. Just watch. Now she’ll want a whole lot more.”
Joyce was right. This woman started stalking me, and it required much time and energy to stop her.
I trust Joyce has much to teach me in so many areas. I trust her instincts. I listen when she gets an inner yes or no. I trust her sensitivity. I trust she feels things that I haven’t learned to feel yet. I trust her wisdom. She has a way of seeing things in a way I don’t. She has a perspective I don’t have.
Most of all, I trust her love for me. It’s unfailing. Even when she’s mad at me, she still loves me.
And she often tells me how good it feels that I trust her so deeply.
Trust Practice
Write down all the ways you trust your woman. It may surprise you how many ways you do trust her.
Show her the list but, even better, tell her in your own words.
The above is an excerpt from the Vissell’s not-yet published book, To Really Love a Woman
Here are a few opportunities to bring more love and growth into your life, at the following longer events led by Barry and Joyce Vissell:
June 4-11 — Alaska “Inside Message” Cruise
Jul 17-22 — Shared Heart Summer Retreat at Breitenbush Hot Springs, OR
Oct 14-20 — Assisi Retreat, Italy
Feb 5-12, 2017 — Hawaii Couples Retreat
Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are widely regarded as among the world’s top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk to Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom, Meant to Be, and A Mother’s Final Gift.
Call Toll-Free 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.
Poggio Bustone: Knowing We are Forgiven
by Joyce and Barry Vissell
Joyce and I are trudging up a very steep rocky trail near the top of a mountain high above the Rieti Valley in central Italy. We left our friend Evelyn down at the end of the road at the monastery of Poggio Bustone. The drive up the winding mountain road with sheer cliff drop-offs was plenty enough adventure for her. It’s only 900 or so more feet of elevation gain to the top of the mountain, where lay a more primitive monastery. Right! Only 900 feet! Practically straight up the mountain…
About 800 years ago, Saint Francis also climbed this mountain. Only he did it barefoot and without a trail! It was a time in his life when he realized he could not go on without feeling God’s complete forgiveness. You see, his early life was filled with riotous living, drinking, partying, orgies and, even worse, fighting in battles against neighboring towns. Although there are no direct references, I am convinced that he must have experienced violence, even killing or wounding other men.
In his early twenties, he began to turn his life over to God, but he had to know he was forgiven for the unconscious actions of his former years. So he climbed this mountain, found a cave near the top, and sequestered himself away from the world to seek complete forgiveness. He was determined not to leave that cave until he knew for certain that he was forgiven. We don’t know exactly how long he meditated and prayed on that mountain, but we do know that he finally received a clear message from God: he was completely forgiven. Thus began a new phase in Francis’ life. He no longer had to carry the heavy burden of his past transgressions.
Like most things and places of Saint Francis, the original cave has been transformed into a small chapel. It’s just too high and steep to be made into a “proper” cathedral. Yet it still retains a certain rustic simplicity and sacred feeling as a place of pilgrimage for the few hardy souls willing to make the trek.
And, like Saint Francis, Joyce and I, a few years ago, were also climbing the mountain to seek forgiveness. We have often spoken about the unconscious actions of our younger years. I have always considered Joyce’s misdeeds as “lightweight.” Like once she stole a piece of fruit from a neighbor’s tree, and her parents marched her down the street to apologize. We both, on the other hand, have considered many of my teenage acting out to be a bit more major, and some could have been punishable by prison time. I have stolen things, unfortunately a lot of things. I have been mean. I have engineered some “pranks” that have ended up nearly scaring people to death. I could go on, but perhaps you get the picture.
Tired from the climb, we arrived at the simple stone addition to the original cave. We opened the rough-hewn wooden door and entered the cool interior. We were alone. It would have been completely dark except for a shaft of light coming in from a tiny window up high on a wall. We found a place to sit in front of a crude altar, and began to ask for forgiveness.
Bottom line, both Joyce and I expected me to be sitting in the primitive chapel for a long time. Perhaps Joyce would feel forgiveness, and then she could do some sightseeing or sunbathing outside while she waited for me to finish my big ordeal.
But that’s not what happened! Instead, I closed my eyes, preparing to list off my offenses. Within minutes, I felt complete forgiveness for all my actions! My first thought was, “Wait. This was too easy! I haven’t worked and sweated hard enough to earn complete forgiveness. I haven’t even gone through the whole list.” But I still felt an almost overwhelming sense of God’s unconditional forgiveness. I felt light as a feather with the divine assurance that nothing I have ever done could keep me from my worthiness for divine love.
There is a famous line from the Course in Miracles, “God does not forgive because He (She) never has condemned.” I have been the only one condemning myself. The Divine Presence is forgiveness. Forgiveness can never be earned. It is freely given at all times.
So many of us, as children, have been misled into thinking we needed to earn our parents’ love and forgiveness. If only I was better behaved, or did things right, or apologized more, then I’d prove my worthiness to mom and dad. We then make God into a higher version of our parents. But this is futile. The Great Spirit loves us no matter what we’ve done. God sees all our actions, in the great experiment of free will, as a holy learning and growing process.
Joyce was, needless to say, surprised to see me stand up and leave the chapel after only a few minutes. Her first thought was, “Oh dear. The task is just too hard for Barry. He had to give up.” Outside, when she heard my experience of spontaneous forgiveness, she smiled and embraced me in one of her wonderful hugs.
Here are a few opportunities to bring more love and growth into your life, at the following longer events led by Barry and Joyce Vissell: Oct 14-20—Assisi Retreat, Italy; Feb 7-14, 2016—Hawaii Couples Retreat; June 4-11, 2016 — Alaska “Inside Message” Cruise from Seattle; Jul 17-22—Shared Heart Summer Retreat at Breitenbush Hot Springs, OR.
About the authors
Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are widely regarded as among the world’s top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk to Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom, Meant to Be, and A Mother’s Final Gift.
Call Toll-Free 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.
Please Hold Me
by Joyce & Barry Vissell
When I was a little girl, I remember getting my feelings hurt by different things that would happen in my family. Perhaps it was my brother’s teasing, or my father’s tone of voice, or some words from my mother, or a tension I felt over a circumstance I had nothing to do with and yet could feel. I was and still am a sensitive person. I felt very loved in my family and at the same time occasionally I felt hurt to the point of crying. As soon as my father saw my tears, he would point his finger at my room and say, “Those feelings are private and you need to go to your room.” I never remember being held when I would cry. I was always sent to my room. It was incredibly lonely to be crying alone. I felt as if no one understood me and I had the horrible feeling that there must be something very wrong with me.
One day, when I was nine years old, I was crying in my room after being told to go there. I cannot remember what had happened in my family but I do know that my tears were flowing in abundance and I felt very sad. It was at this point that I had my first experience of God’s love. I remember an incredibly loving presence coming to me and surrounding me in peace and assurance. And then these words were spoken to me, “Right now there is a boy growing up who will know how to hold you when you cry. You will recognize him as he will be tall with dark hair and will become a doctor.”
At the time, what stood out to me was that someone would actually hold me when I was crying. That one fact brought such a joy to my child’s heart. My life was completely different after that experience as I always trusted that in time my tearful feelings could be held. Up to this point my pediatrician was concerned about me. As he held my little hand and looked into my pale thin face he told my mother that I was not thriving and that something must be wrong with me. Even now I remember hearing his words and wondering what was so wrong.
After the experience of being told that I would meet a boy that would know how to hold me, I started to thrive and within six months this doctor told my mother that he was no longer concerned about me. The fact that this boy was going to be a doctor, or was tall or had dark hair, had no effect on me until I started dating. As a child, the only thing that mattered was that he would hold me and accept my tears.
I met this wonderful boy nine years after this experience and we have been together now for fifty years. Barry holds me when I occasionally cry and it is such a wonderful feeling to be held when tears come to my eyes. I feel so safe and understood just being held. It is so important to me and makes all the difference in my life.
I once saw a woman in counseling who was with a man who ignored her tears. If she was crying he didn’t say anything negative, but he walked out of the room. I coached her to ask him to hold her, but he said he just couldn’t and continued to walk out of the room. It was so painful that her tears were ignored that the woman left the relationship. Then this same woman was with another man who got angry when she cried. He felt as if her tears were his fault and it angered him greatly to see her cry. He was a physically strong man and would stand over her in a threatening position and tell her to stop crying. Even if she told him her tears were not his fault and she just wanted to be held, he got even angrier. Once again she left this relationship. Then she was with a man who also did not like her tears. Every time she cried he would say, “This relationship is not working. Look how I make you cry. We should break up.” And he did break up with her after one of her times of crying. It is to this woman’s great credit that she tried one more time to be with a man. She finally found a man who could hold her while she cried. He had no idea why she was crying and he had no idea what he should say. In silence he just held her and told her that he loved her. This action of his healed the other experiences and she was able to truly open up to this man and be vulnerable and feel trusting. That relationship really worked. There were great qualities in the men of the other relationships, but the fact that they either ignored, got angry or shamed her for her tears caused the break up. And with the last man whom she married, he accepted her tears and held her. That is how important it is to hold someone when they cry.
This kind of holding applies to all relationships, family members and friends, as well as intimate, romantic relationships. You do not have to know what to say when someone is crying. You do not have to know how to fix them or how to bring a smile to their face. The worst thing to say while holding them is something like, “If you would have listened to me, this wouldn’t have happened.” Or, “I know exactly what you should do the next time.” Or the worst thing of all to say is, “I think you are too sensitive.” The very best is to just reach out and hold them and let them know that they are loved. Accept the tears and know that you are giving a very high and noble gift to this person. It is a gift that could make all the difference between them not thriving and truly thriving in this life. I am living proof of that.
Here are a few opportunities to bring more love and growth into your life, at the following longer events led by Barry and Joyce Vissell: Jul 19-24—Shared Heart Summer Retreat at Breitenbush Hot Springs, OR; Oct 14-20—Assisi Retreat, Italy; Feb 7-14, 2016—HawaiiCouples Retreat; June 4-11, 2016 — Alaska “Inside Message” Cruise.
About the author
Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are widely regarded as among the world’s top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk to Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom, Meant to Be, and A Mother’s Final Gift.
Call Toll-Free 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.
A New Way to Receive Appreciation
by Joyce and Barry Vissell
How do you handle acknowledgment from others? There are two different types of acknowledgment. There are compliments which are more superficial and can involve the clothes or jewelry we are wearing, the car we drive, the beautiful dog walking by our side or our adorable baby. If these compliments are pure and not part of someone trying to pick you up, they are relatively easy to accept and say thank you. Then there are deeper appreciations that involve your character and inner qualities. How would you respond if someone spoke directly from their heart, “You have so much love coming through you.” Or “Your wisdom has really changed my life.” “I feel uplifted just being in your presence.” “There is so much light coming from your eyes.” “You are a true healer and I feel so much better.” How would you honestly respond?
There are many people who feel uncomfortable and do not really know how to respond to these types of appreciations. Some people would deflect the appreciation and say something like, “Oh you too.” They would then quickly change the subject. Some people would ignore the comment all together but think to themselves, “If you really knew me, you would not be saying such a thing.” My beloved father would always smile and say, “Nonsense!” I knew that he liked the appreciation, but he just couldn’t let on that he did. One day I wrote out all my appreciations and sent them to him. Weeks went by and I did not hear back. Finally I called and asked if he received them. All he said was “yes.” Years later, a week after he had passed away, I found the letter hidden under his shirts in the drawer. The paper was worn out from being looked at so much. He truly did treasure those appreciations and yet it was so difficult to let me know.
When Barry and I were twenty-two we got married in December during his break from Meharry Medical School in Nashville, Tennessee. This was an African/American school in the 60’s when civil rights was a huge issue. It was difficult for him to be in the white minority. On his first day back to school, Barry came to me with a look of vulnerability and need for my love. His vulnerability allowed me to see the greatness of his being and all that he was meant to be in this world. With all the love in my heart I simply said, “Barry I feel in awe of who you are.” He became embarrassed and said, “I’m not sure you should say something like that.” Fortunately Barry has since learned to really take in what I say to him.
Why is it hard to receive an appreciation? None of us want to be like the person who takes in the appreciation and then feels that they are the greatest human being on the planet. We all have met people who have a very big ego and genuinely feel they are more special than anyone else. People like that can be unpleasant to be around. None of us want to feel superior to others.
I personally have struggled with this issue very intently in my early years. I was always striving for humility and I equated accepting an appreciation with a lack of humility. Forty years ago, when we were first starting to give workshops, a woman walked up and gave me such a genuine appreciation. It felt so good to hear her words and yet, afterwards, I excused myself and went into the bathroom and started to cry. I felt lost and just didn’t know how to handle the appreciations that were coming my way.
Right at this time a great blessing came into our lives in the form of a simple little woman in Mt. Shasta named Pearl. She was in her 70’s with permed gray hair and a bit of a lisp in her speech. By all appearances she was just a little old lady that lived in a little neighborhood house with flowers. But Pearl could see us in the deepest way. She could see our heart’s desire and had the ability to guide us along our path so that we could be of service from the heart. Whenever she saw one of us going up to our heads to figure something out, she would remind us to come back down to our hearts. She once told Barry and me that we would never be able to help people unless we could see and experience them from our hearts. Her teachings were good and pure and we will always feel grateful for our time with her. She did not have a large following, just some people who would come and sit in her living room and listen. I noticed that people often gave Pearl very deep appreciations. She would just smile in wonder at their words and say “Thank you.” She remained humble and pure.
One day I asked her how she receives appreciations so gracefully, and her simple reply helped to change my life. “I am always surprised and delighted at how God will come through me to help another. I never really know myself and when someone tells me, then it is such a blessing that all I can say is thank you.” She was not sitting there thinking, “Oh my, I am such a special person.” She was merely delighted that the Great Presence of Love was coming through her to bless another. She never took credit for any of it.
Next time someone appreciates you, listen deeply to their words. Then thank them and feel the wonder that the higher energies were able to come through you to bless this person. Feel a sense of awe that ordinary human beings can be used to bless and help others. When we see it this way, all we can really feel is grateful.
Here are a few opportunities to bring more love and growth into your life, at the following longer events led by Barry and Joyce Vissell: Jul 19-24—Shared Heart Summer Retreat at Breitenbush Hot Springs, OR; Oct 14-20—Assisi Retreat, Italy for individuals and couples; Feb 7-14, 2016—Hawaii Couples Retreat
Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are widely regarded as among the world’s top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk to Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom, Meant to Be, and A Mother’s Final Gift.
Call Toll-Free 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.
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