Asking our Higher Power for Help in All Situations
by Joyce and Barry Vissell
The first three steps of the twelve step program for recovery from addiction have to do with asking for help, knowing that we are powerless without help from a higher power, and trusting that this higher power can restore our lives greater than we could even imagine. I have seen these twelve steps work miracles in the lives of many people.
What about people who are not struggling with addiction? I feel the twelve steps, especially the first three, can help all people.
Recently, we met with a family group of fifteen who were going through a huge challenge with very strong opposing views. The family was split in two by these views and were in a lot of pain. There appeared to be no easy solution and there was a possibility of multiple estrangements. In all of our forty five years of counseling people and leading groups, this was honestly the most complex and painful family situation we had ever encountered. I hardly ever feel nervous about a situation in our work, but I began to feel not only nervous, but also a bit fearful.
Then I realized I needed to turn the situation over completely to God, asking that this great power could come through Barry and me in ways that I could not even imagine. And that is what happened! Once I really surrendered to my need for help in working with this broken family, the nervousness and fear left me. I did not really have a plan other than to trust in the Higher Power of Love. Though the time with them was very challenging, the end result was greater than I could have ever imagined. This family has a long road to go in healing, but if they can continue to ask for help from a higher power, they will be even stronger than before.
Asking for help from our higher power is extremely powerful in our lives. Most people wait until there is an extremely challenging situation. There is the famous scene from the movie, “It’s a Wonderful Life,” in which Jimmy Stewart’s character, George, is desperate and wants to take his life. While sitting in a bar he prays, “God, I am not a praying man but, if you can hear me, I need help.” Then help comes in the form of a strange angel named Clarence.
What if we began asking for help with smaller things in our life, to build up a momentum of faith that we can be helped in all ways when we ask? Most people feel that it is best to not bother asking for help for smaller things as it is a waste of God’s energy. That view sees The Great Power of Love in such a limited way, that there is just so much energy and so we better wait until it is life and death before asking for help. But the truth is that the energy available to us is unlimited. We are loved so much that help is available always. I am not talking about asking for a brand new shiny car or to win the lottery. I am talking about real life issues however small you think they are.
I had an experience recently with what could be considered a very small need for help. We were at the breakfast line at the retreat center we use in Hawaii to lead our week long couple’s retreat. Before the retreat a woman volunteer asked us to give a talk to the community about relationships. At first we thought none of the volunteers would come, but she assured us she would get other volunteers to come. We agreed and set up a time and space for one of the evenings. We then got involved with leading our retreat and forgot about naming the talk. The morning of the talk came and suddenly we realized we had not given the talk a name to place on the daily activities board. While in line at the dining area, Barry suggested that we call it an “Aloha Talk.” I didn’t like that title but couldn’t come up with something else.
Then I said, “I’m going to ask for help that someone will come and tell us exactly what to name the talk.” Barry looked doubtful but responded, “Well I doubt that someone is going to come walking up and tell us, but if they do we will go with their suggestion. We have to have something up on the bulletin board within a few minutes.” We agreed and continued in the line. I closed my eyes for a moment and asked for help. Within one minute of my asking for help the original woman volunteer that had invited us came around the corner carrying some hot water. She stopped when she saw us and said, “We are all so excited about the talk tonight. What are you going to name it?” Barry suggested the “Aloha Talk.” She grimaced and said, “Nobody would come to that! Why don’t you call it ’Creating Healthy Relationships’?” Then she continued on her way with the hot water. We stood a moment in awe at the divine answer to my small request for help.
Help does not always come immediately, like with the name of our talk, George Bailey getting a visit from his angel Clarence, or when we worked with that troubled family. But help will come at the perfect time and it can go beyond your imagination. The important thing is to start asking for help and knowing that our Creator wants to help us as we live our lives upon this earth.
Here are a few opportunities to bring more love and growth into your life, at the following longer events led by Barry and Joyce Vissell:
June 4-11 — Alaska “Inside Message” Cruise
Jul 17-22 — Shared Heart Summer Retreat at Breitenbush Hot Springs, OR
Oct 14-20 — Assisi Retreat, Italy
Feb 5-12, 2017 — Hawaii Couples Retreat
About the author:
Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are widely regarded as among the world’s top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk to Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom, Meant to Be, and A Mother’s Final Gift.
Call Toll-Free 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.
Are You More Important Than your Cell Phone?
Cell phones play a very important part in our lives right now. Who knows what ten years will bring, but for now they are almost like an attachment to the person who owns them. Recently I was going to our local gym to swim. I decided to just wait in my car and rest for a bit before walking in. I was parked so that I could see the people entering and leaving. Every single young person under the age of forty walked in while texting. Others a bit older walked in talking on their phone. And one remarkably brave soul just walked in with no cell phone in hand.
Last week we returned from Italy via Washington DC. At the very long line of passport clearance almost every single person, myself included, were on their cell phones. People buy expensive cases to protect their phones. And what happens if a phone announces that its battery is now at 10%? Most people act immediately. No one wants their cell phone to run out of power. A plan is quickly put in place to recharge the battery, no matter how inconvenient.
But what about us? Are we not more important than our cell phones? Our “batteries” run low as well. Few people are as urgent to charge their own batteries as they are to charge up their cell phone. We push and push ourselves to keep going and we don’t pay attention to our own battery or need to be recharged. We know one woman who had no idea how depleted her batteries were. She left for work one morning, collapsed in her front yard and was rushed to the emergency room. Her diagnosis: exhaustion!
Our own wellbeing is vastly more important than our cell phone. When our cell phones are dangerously low and we finally can plug them into electricity, there is such a good feeling from knowing that we are taking care of our cell phone and giving it what it needs. We deserve so much more!
Our need to recharge and connect to our power is so important. Some people try to ignore the need to be recharged through addictions. This can numb the need for recharging, but it will never recharge us. Many people watch TV. Even your favorite show can be entertaining, but it cannot recharge you. Recharging comes from a true connection to your source of power. Imagine trying to charge your cell phone by showing it your favorite TV show, giving it a beer, or taking it on a long shopping spree. It’s a silly image and obviously it doesn’t work. The same is true of us. Just as our cell phones need their real connection to electricity, so do we need a real connection to recharge.
So how do we recharge? Whatever it takes to connect with Source, God, Divine Love, The Infinite Being, whatever words you use to refer to the higher power, will bring a sense of recharging. These are my favorite ways of connecting. I like to sit outside and look at my garden. While looking at it I like to feel all of the things I am grateful for. The act of gratitude brings an opening of my heart. I also like to work in my garden. Just even a small amount of gardening can help to connect me with the earth. I like to lie down on the grass without a blanket under me so that I can have direct contact with the earth. Even lying there for half an hour is like a giant connection back to my source. I like walking our dog Rosie in the woods. I love being alone with Barry and using the time in a quiet way of connecting and feeling our love for one another. I like to pray either alone or with Barry and feel the closeness of our Creator and feel that I am loved and being protected. Feeling the spiritual power around me is the most important way that I recharge.
Some people like to go to a retreat or special place. It can be important to retreat from the noise of the world and just be with ourselves. Some people get recharged by being creative, writing songs, creating art pieces, singing, or cooking an amazing meal. Some parents find that if they dedicate a longer than usual period of time to just playing with their child, joining their child in their level of play and wonderment of the world, without the use of distracting cell phones, they will feel recharged afterwards . Besides being alone with me, Barry’s favorite way of recharging is to go off into nature and be alone. If it can’t be for days at a time, then even a few hours will do wonders for him.
Sometimes life is very busy and we do not have the time to plug into our source of power for a long time. I would like to offer a simple practice that has helped me over the years wherever I go. Sit quietly if you can. However, this can be done standing up even in a long line. Close your eyes (obviously this will not work while driving). Take in a deep breath and imagine that there is a light coming from your true source of power. Breathe in this light through the top of your head and feel as if it is coming down into your heart. Then as you breathe out imagine there is love coming from your heart out into the world or into whatever situation you find yourselves. I have used this in busy airports, grocery lines and sitting quietly in my garden and each time I feel a sense of being connected and recharged.
Let’s strive to keep the battery of our own life operating at a very high level. Tell yourself, “I am more important than my cell phone and I deserve to be recharged and to be filled by the true source of my being.”
Here are a few opportunities to bring more love and growth into your life, at the following longer events led by Barry and Joyce Vissell: Feb 7-14—Hawaii Couples Retreat; June 4-11 — Alaska “Inside Message” Cruise from Seattle; Jul 17-22—Shared Heart Summer Retreat at Breitenbush Hot Springs, OR; Oct 11-17—Assisi Retreat, Italy.
Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are widely regarded as among the world’s top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk to Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom, Meant to Be, and A Mother’s Final Gift.
Call Toll-Free 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.
Remembering to say thank you
by Joyce and Barry Vissell
When our children were little, I read stories over and over that I hoped would instill in them positive qualities. One story always stood out. It was a little book and the title was, “He remembered to say thank you.” In this Bible story, Jesus is walking in the countryside and comes across a group of ten lepers. I then needed to explain to our children that a leper is someone with a disease that had no cure at that time, and people could catch the disease by contact. Therefore the lepers were outcast and made to live far away by themselves. Back to the story, the ten lepers beg Jesus to heal them. He touches their heads and they are all healed. All ten of them instantly run back toward their families in the city, yelling and screaming in joy. One leper stops and realizes that he has not thanked the man that healed him. He then runs back and thanks Jesus. Jesus then says, “Ten men were healed and only one remembered to say thank you.” He then puts his hand on the man’s head and says to him, “The others were healed in their body, but you have received a greater blessing by remembering to say thank you.”
Of all the stories I read to our children, that story stands out. Sometimes I find myself repeating the words in my head, “He remembered to say thank you.” Those words have become sort of a mantra for me, something I say over and over again and then I think of the meaning.
As we have both written about before, Barry and I and our family like to go rafting and the Rogue River is a favorite place to go. The first year we went, the ranger told us to be extra careful of a rapid called Blossom Bar as 12 people had died there just in that one year. Typically a few people die there every year. This year, as we approached that rapid, Barry and I put our heads together and prayed for protection. While Barry was guiding us through the rapid, I sat in the front holding onto our dog, Rosie, and praying the whole time. I could feel the protection like an angel’s wings around us. Once through the rapid, we felt a wave of relief and shouted in joy. Even our dog gave a wiggle. One hour later, that little mantra floated through my head, “He remembered to say thank you.” I asked Barry, during a calm stretch, to put our heads together and say our prayer of thankfulness. That prayer of gratitude helped complete something in a very beautiful way. Another blessing besides the protection had come through to us.
Each year Barry and I and our musician friend Charley Thweatt lead a week long retreat for couples in Hawaii. We love doing this very much. Each morning we begin with an early morning meditation. I usually share a short story and lesson on love to help people go into their hearts more deeply. I pour my whole heart into this teaching. There is also music by Charley. One year I particularly put a lot of focus on what I was going to say. I rose when it was still dark outside to prepare. It gives me a lot of joy to lead these meditations. Day after day I gave from my heart and day after day no one commented at all. Each day at least two people would thank Charley for a particular song, but no one said anything to me. I tried to convince myself that the lack of gratitude was okay. However, since no one commented at all, I began to feel that my efforts were not being received by anyone. I tried to tell myself that I was not doing this for the praise, which was true. I was doing the meditations because I sincerely wanted the group to get these lessons on love and I loved to do them. But still, day by day, with absolutely no comment, I began to feel sad. Finally I asked my friend Judy who was there with her husband Pat. Judy gave me what I was needing, and yet how much better if someone would have just spoken a word of gratitude or acknowledgement. Everyone needs a word of acknowledgement. That is the very real human part of all of us.
This experience in Hawaii led me to thinking about our Creator. Day after day we are all blessed with gifts, such as a beautiful sunset, flowers in bloom, our children, water to drink and the list goes on and on. Sometimes I wonder if our Creator also wishes that we would acknowledge these amazing gifts.
I feel very far from perfect in remembering to say thank you, and yet it has become something that is very important to me. I want to give acknowledgement for all of the gifts, however they come and however small. In my relationship with Barry, I try to see the things that he does and thank him. Some things are very big, like the way he looks at me with so much love. But even small things, like emptying the dishwasher by himself when it is something that we usually do together, will get a big hug and thank you from me. I want him to know that I see and am grateful for all of the ways, however big or small, that he is helping and loving me.
You might think that people know you are grateful, so you don’t have to share it. But remember that expressing your gratitude is a special gift for you as well. Cards, letters, phone calls, a hug in person, an email or even texts are all powerful ways to express your gratitude. The important thing is to do it. And then there are the many blessings that come from the unseen hand and Presence of Love which watches over us continually. A moment of noticing and bowing your head in gratitude can bless your life in ways you can hardly imagine.
Here are a few opportunities to bring more love and growth into your life, at the following longer events led by Barry and Joyce Vissell: Oct 14-20—Assisi Retreat, Italy; Feb 7-14, 2016—Hawaii Couples Retreat; June 4-11, 2016 — Alaska “Inside Message” Cruise from Seattle; Jul 17-22—Shared Heart Summer Retreat at Breitenbush Hot Springs, OR.
About the authors
Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are widely regarded as among the world’s top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk to Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom, Meant to Be, and A Mother’s Final Gift.
Call Toll-Free 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.
Our Need for Acknowledgment and Blessing
by Joyce and Barry Vissell
There is a great need in every human being to be acknowledged and blessed by another person, especially their parent. People often strive to receive acknowledgment of who they are. When they do not receive acknowledgment or blessing, they can feel hopeless or unworthy.
In the children’s movie, “Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs,” the boy, knowing that his town was in desperate need of food, creates a way for food to come from the sky. Everyone is grateful to him including the mayor of the city. However, the one person that he really wants to acknowledge him is his father. His father has never been able to communicate his love and acceptance to his son, so even in the face of the boy saving the city, he still complains that the food is too big or is falling down too heavy. In the movie you can see the boy shrivel up when his father cannot even acknowledge him for such a great thing.
Few people receive the full measure of acknowledgment and blessings from their parents. They may receive money, praise for good academic achievement, or athletic ability, but not for the qualities of their soul, such as gentleness, sensitivity, peace, kindness, and inner reflection. Everyone yearns to be really seen for who they are.
Barry and I wrote a story in The Shared Heart about a time when we were in our twenties and had traveled to Chamonix, France to attend a summer Sufi camp. In the years leading up to this particular summer we had received a lot of criticism from others, including family members, about our closeness. People felt that we loved each other too much and were too affectionate. These critical people of varying ages felt that we should spend more time apart focusing on our own careers and growth. The usual comment was, “Your love for each other is standing in the way of your making anything of your lives.” We began to hide our closeness from others.
When we arrived at the camp, there were young people there from all over Europe and the USA. Once again the negative comments started with one man telling us that he didn’t even like to look at us because our closeness made him feel so uncomfortable. We thought that perhaps this was the wrong place for us and were seriously thinking of leaving. But we decided to stay a few more days to meet the head of the Sufi order and the director of the camp, Pir Vilayat Inayat Khan. We knew nothing about him. When he walked up the mountain all of the people from the camp ran down to meet him. Barry and I stayed on the top feeling slightly uncomfortable at the possibility of yet another criticism of our closeness – this time from an important teacher.
When Pir Vilayat came to where we were standing off to the side, he looked at us for a minute. Then, to our surprise, he walked swiftly over to us, threw his arms around us, and starting saying the Arabic words, “Ishq Allah Mabud Li’Allah” (meaning “God is love and God is the beloved”) Then he enthusiastically said, “You two are one! You should always be together! Never hide your closeness!”
The whole encounter lasted perhaps only two minutes, but it changed our lives. He had given us the acknowledgment and blessing we desperately needed. From that point on, we never again hid how close we were and how much we loved each other.
Yes, most of us do not have the stature that Pir Vilayat had as the head of the Sufi order. But we have our hearts and our love. And our acknowledgement of others can have a similar positive effect on another person’s life. We can reach out to our partners, children, friends, parents and strangers and acknowledge them. We have no idea how far that acknowledgement will go and that it even has the potential to change a person’s life.
Two days ago, I went to our local farmer’s market. I saw a farmer carefully placing his vegetables with great love on the table. He was not throwing them on the table as others do. He was placing them carefully as if each piece of broccoli and bunch of carrots were precious in his eyes. I walked over to him and appreciated how carefully he was working. I told him how grateful I was that he took so much pride in the food he had grown and how healthy it looked. I bought a few things and then went on my way.
A few minutes later I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around and saw it was the farmer. He smiled and said, “Thank you for your kind words. I am having a very hard time today as my son who lives far away is very sick and is in the hospital. I want my food to bless others and help to keep them healthy. You are the only one who noticed how deeply I care about what I grow.” I could see from the tears in his eyes that my tiny bit of extra time and acknowledgement had blessed him. Such a simple thing, yet it can be so powerful for another.
When I was in graduate school, my main professor was Leo Buscaglia. When he had to give us a test, he would always put stars and hearts after the answers we got right. Sometimes he got little gold stars and would decorate our test papers with them. The exam papers looked a little more like first grade papers, but the stars and acknowledgement made us all work that much harder. We all wanted to get the stars and appreciation.
We saw a couple in counseling where the husband had done many loving things for his wife while she was away on a trip. He watched her dogs, cleaned the house for her and bought a big bunch of flowers. Rather than commenting on all of the loving things he had done, she focused her attention on the one thing he had not done. He was fifteen minutes late to pick her up. It was this one thing that she complained to us about not even mentioning the other things that he had done so well. We urged this woman to notice and acknowledge the things her husband does rather than focusing on what he does not do.
Each day can be an adventure of finding something to acknowledge in your loved ones. It can also be an adventure of finding someone new to acknowledge and bless with your words. Living like this makes our journey on earth more meaningful and fun and, in the process, blesses our heart as well.
Here are a few opportunities to bring more love and growth into your life, at the following longer events led by Barry and Joyce Vissell: Jul 20-25, 2014—Breitenbush Hot Springs Summer Retreat for individuals, couples, and families; Oct 14-20, 2014—Living from the Heart in Assisi, Italy for individuals and couples; and Feb 1-8, 2015—Hawaii “Couples in Paradise” Retreat.
Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are widely regarded as among the world’s top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk to Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom, Meant to Be, and A Mother’s Final Gift.
Call Toll-Free 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.