Asking our Higher Power for Help in All Situations
by Joyce and Barry Vissell
The first three steps of the twelve step program for recovery from addiction have to do with asking for help, knowing that we are powerless without help from a higher power, and trusting that this higher power can restore our lives greater than we could even imagine. I have seen these twelve steps work miracles in the lives of many people.
What about people who are not struggling with addiction? I feel the twelve steps, especially the first three, can help all people.
Recently, we met with a family group of fifteen who were going through a huge challenge with very strong opposing views. The family was split in two by these views and were in a lot of pain. There appeared to be no easy solution and there was a possibility of multiple estrangements. In all of our forty five years of counseling people and leading groups, this was honestly the most complex and painful family situation we had ever encountered. I hardly ever feel nervous about a situation in our work, but I began to feel not only nervous, but also a bit fearful.
Then I realized I needed to turn the situation over completely to God, asking that this great power could come through Barry and me in ways that I could not even imagine. And that is what happened! Once I really surrendered to my need for help in working with this broken family, the nervousness and fear left me. I did not really have a plan other than to trust in the Higher Power of Love. Though the time with them was very challenging, the end result was greater than I could have ever imagined. This family has a long road to go in healing, but if they can continue to ask for help from a higher power, they will be even stronger than before.
Asking for help from our higher power is extremely powerful in our lives. Most people wait until there is an extremely challenging situation. There is the famous scene from the movie, “It’s a Wonderful Life,” in which Jimmy Stewart’s character, George, is desperate and wants to take his life. While sitting in a bar he prays, “God, I am not a praying man but, if you can hear me, I need help.” Then help comes in the form of a strange angel named Clarence.
What if we began asking for help with smaller things in our life, to build up a momentum of faith that we can be helped in all ways when we ask? Most people feel that it is best to not bother asking for help for smaller things as it is a waste of God’s energy. That view sees The Great Power of Love in such a limited way, that there is just so much energy and so we better wait until it is life and death before asking for help. But the truth is that the energy available to us is unlimited. We are loved so much that help is available always. I am not talking about asking for a brand new shiny car or to win the lottery. I am talking about real life issues however small you think they are.
I had an experience recently with what could be considered a very small need for help. We were at the breakfast line at the retreat center we use in Hawaii to lead our week long couple’s retreat. Before the retreat a woman volunteer asked us to give a talk to the community about relationships. At first we thought none of the volunteers would come, but she assured us she would get other volunteers to come. We agreed and set up a time and space for one of the evenings. We then got involved with leading our retreat and forgot about naming the talk. The morning of the talk came and suddenly we realized we had not given the talk a name to place on the daily activities board. While in line at the dining area, Barry suggested that we call it an “Aloha Talk.” I didn’t like that title but couldn’t come up with something else.
Then I said, “I’m going to ask for help that someone will come and tell us exactly what to name the talk.” Barry looked doubtful but responded, “Well I doubt that someone is going to come walking up and tell us, but if they do we will go with their suggestion. We have to have something up on the bulletin board within a few minutes.” We agreed and continued in the line. I closed my eyes for a moment and asked for help. Within one minute of my asking for help the original woman volunteer that had invited us came around the corner carrying some hot water. She stopped when she saw us and said, “We are all so excited about the talk tonight. What are you going to name it?” Barry suggested the “Aloha Talk.” She grimaced and said, “Nobody would come to that! Why don’t you call it ’Creating Healthy Relationships’?” Then she continued on her way with the hot water. We stood a moment in awe at the divine answer to my small request for help.
Help does not always come immediately, like with the name of our talk, George Bailey getting a visit from his angel Clarence, or when we worked with that troubled family. But help will come at the perfect time and it can go beyond your imagination. The important thing is to start asking for help and knowing that our Creator wants to help us as we live our lives upon this earth.
Here are a few opportunities to bring more love and growth into your life, at the following longer events led by Barry and Joyce Vissell:
June 4-11 — Alaska “Inside Message” Cruise
Jul 17-22 — Shared Heart Summer Retreat at Breitenbush Hot Springs, OR
Oct 14-20 — Assisi Retreat, Italy
Feb 5-12, 2017 — Hawaii Couples Retreat
About the author:
Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are widely regarded as among the world’s top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk to Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom, Meant to Be, and A Mother’s Final Gift.
Call Toll-Free 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.
Only Two Spiritual Paths
by Joyce and Barry Vissell
After 46 years of spiritual study and practice, Joyce and I immersing ourselves in many forms of spirituality, I am realizing for myself that there are ultimately only two spiritual paths. And both are equally important!
I love the saying, “We are human beings on a spiritual journey, and we are spiritual beings on a human journey.” Herein lie the two spiritual paths. These are the two ways I identify myself, one as a human being and the other as a spiritual being. One is no less than the other.
Let’s start with ourselves as spiritual beings on a human journey. Pearl Dorris, a simple housewife from Mt. Shasta without any degrees after her name, was very influential for us as a spiritual teacher. They say the teacher appears when the student is ready. Joyce and I were very ready. I had just dropped out of my psychiatry residency program in 1973. I was tired of identifying myself and others as just body and mind. Pearl was deeply steeped in the “I Am” work, claiming ourselves as spiritual beings. Sitting in her little living room with a small group of students, she would proclaim with her distinctive lisp, “I am that I am,” or “I am the Light.” She clearly and powerfully affirmed her true identity, while the very atmosphere in the room became charged with an invisible power. She helped us to feel ourselves as divine.
I know myself as a soul in this body, a being with a light body inhabiting this physical body. When I identify with my Higher Self, I am part of all the light and love in the universe. This spiritual practice is not about relating with the Divine, it’s being the Divine. It gives me great joy to pour out love from my heart.
I hesitate to share this very personal spiritual practice because some might see it as egocentric or grandiose. It would be, if I held myself higher than anybody else. But I don’t. I don’t just feel myself as a being of love, but everyone else as well. I know that we are all part of the Higher Power, like a drop of water is really no different than the ocean, like the acorn has within it the mighty oak tree.
Now for the second spiritual path, human beings on a spiritual journey. Ram Dass was another teacher who came along when we were ready. We didn’t, however, know just how ready we were. We wore white clothes with our prayer beads. I, in particular avoided all negative feelings that would bring my energy down. I hate to admit this, but I even bought into the philosophy that sex would keep us from being truly spiritual. We were celibate for six months, until our repressed sexual energy exploded in the middle of the night, and we found ourselves waking up locked in an intense passionate embrace of love-making. Even so, I still felt we had failed somehow on our spiritual journey.
Ram Dass saw through this spiritual disguise and called us “phony holy.” His work with us was to balance the human with the spiritual, to bring us back down to earth, to fully embrace our humanity and see it as just as spiritual. I had been running away from the human part of me, and it just wasn’t working.
I feel fully human when I am in relationship with God/Goddess as also outside of me. Though I am not a practicing Sufi, I like the expression, “Ishq Allah Mabud Lillah.” It means God is the nonmanifest, invisible divine love. But God is also the beloved, the one outside ourselves who we can love. The beloved is the energy of relationship, the path of devotion.
The path of being human on a spiritual journey is just as important to me. I love feeling like a child with powerful, loving heavenly parents who constantly have my best interest in mind and heart. I am unconditionally loved and cared for. I can completely trust my divine parents. As well, I can feel and share the pain of my humanity and pray for help.
Sometimes, in the same meditation, I will go back and forth between these two spiritual paths. One moment, I experience myself as a small child learning to trust my Heavenly Creator, and the next moment I am the Heavenly Creator caring for the small child within me. To be completely honest, most of my meditation time is spent in neither of these spiritual paths. Instead, my mind simply does its mind thing, drifting about aimlessly, thinking about how I can remove the broken toilet seat with completely rusted hardware, or some other truly mundane thought. But … if I have even a moment of each spiritual path, I consider it a successful meditation, with its resultant peace, and my day has been blessed.
Thus, worthiness can be claimed and known in two ways. I am worthy because I am part of God, and I am worthy because I have always been worthy in the eyes of God. Same with forgiveness. Every “mistake” is seen by our Creator as a necessary part of our growth. And, as a being of light, in the highest truth of who I am, there is no need for forgiveness.
Once again, we are human beings on a spiritual journey, and spiritual beings on a human journey. It’s both looking and feeling within and without. Only two spiritual paths. But what a great journey it is!
Here are a few opportunities to bring more love and growth into your life, at the following longer events led by Barry and Joyce Vissell:
Feb 7-14, 2016—Hawaii Couples Retreat
June 4-11, 2016 — Alaska “Inside Message” Cruise
Jul 19-24—Shared Heart Summer Retreat at Breitenbush Hot Springs, OR
Oct 14-20—Assisi Retreat, Italy
About the author:
Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are widely regarded as among the world’s top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk to Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom, Meant to Be, and A Mother’s Final Gift.
Call Toll-Free 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.
You Never Need to Defend or Justify Your Feelings
by Joyce & Barry Vissell
Someone once gave Barry and me a small yellow button to wear that says, “You never need to defend or justify your feelings.” I love the message on this button and, though I don’t wear it, I keep it in my desk so it is the first thing I see when I open the drawer. This little message has helped me over and over again, and I would add to the message that you also never have to be ashamed of your feelings.
I really feel my feelings. Sometimes I have to admit that I wish I could turn them off, but I can’t. Barry tells me I am very blessed to feel so deeply and he wishes he could feel his feelings more often. Sometimes everyone in a room will be acting as if everything is just perfect, and yet I can feel that something is off or inharmonious. When I state these unpopular feelings, I can be met with criticism. But to remain silent is painful. And when I try to defend or justify my feelings, it just makes things worse, and I feel worse.
Over the years I have learned it is better to speak my feelings and in some cases stand up for them. I have a friend who used to hurt me very deeply by the things she would say. Rather than stand up for my feelings, I would be submissive and try to pretend I was not really hurt. This of course made it all the worse. One day she said something very hurtful to me and I told her I needed to be alone. In my time alone I knew that I needed to apologize to her and yet I kept thinking to myself that she was the one who had said such hurtful words. Finally I realized that I needed to apologize to her for not standing up for my feelings. My feelings are important and to ignore them is to abandon myself, which doesn’t help any of my relationships.
I further gave my friend my commitment to stand up for my feelings. She appreciated this commitment since she had never intended to hurt me. We have had a very great relationship since then.
Very rarely in our work, a person will sign up for a workshop and it will not feel right for Barry or me. One time it was Barry that felt a certain woman would not be appropriate for a workshop we were doing in our home. Our attendance was very low and I overlooked Barry’s objections and insisted that she and her partner join the workshop. Barry did not stand up for his feelings. It was a nightmare having her in the workshop and eventually we had to ask her to leave, but not until she had upset every single person in the room including her partner. She even upset our children who were hardly even around.
We talked for a long while after that experience and realized we needed to honor if one of us felt someone wasn’t appropriate for a workshop. Well that lasted for ten years and just recently it happened again. This time it was me that felt a certain couple was not right for our couple’s retreat. Barry assured me that he had talked to both of them and felt they would be fine. I still did not feel good about it. I did not stand up for my feelings and their presence in the workshop was a disaster. Again we talked and came back to our original agreement of honoring the other’s feelings even if we disagreed.
The wonderful thing about honoring your feelings is that your capacity to feel love and joy are also deepened. The good times are made all the better by honoring all your feelings.
But what do you do with the sad, insecure, confused and painful feelings? I find that if I ask someone to hold me, it can make a big difference in knowing that I am loved by this person. When no one is around to hold me, I will throw my arms around one of our golden retrievers and talk to them. They look at me with beautiful eyes of compassion and seem to share the experience with me, which helps a lot. But sometimes I am all alone without even a dog around. What to do then? During these times I do a special practice that I would like to share.
I have learned that I can be a mother to myself. During times of painful sadness, I can call upon this loving mother within me to come and comfort myself. I put my arms around myself and the mother in me “talks” to the painful feelings. I say comforting words and remind myself that my feelings are a gift not just to myself but to others as well. Once I was on the east coast working while my very young children were home with Barry on the west coast. One night as I was going to sleep I felt overcome with homesickness and yearned with all my heart to go home. I was completely alone. I put my hands on my heart and began saying words of comfort and love to myself. In time I felt better and fell into a very peaceful sleep, awaking to a feeling of joy.
Men have told me it is helpful to call upon the father within them, whether they have had children or not. We all have a loving father or mother within us. Some people have so many painful memories of their parents that they cannot picture a loving father or mother comforting them. For these people it is better to call upon a loving teacher or friend or perhaps an angel. Whatever image you call upon, remember that you are calling upon a higher energy to come and comfort you.
“You never need to defend or justify your feelings.” Our feelings are a gift to us to help us more understand ourselves and the world around us. Our feelings can be a great teacher leading ever more fully into our heart of love.
Here are a few opportunities to bring more love and growth into your life, at the following longer events led by Barry and Joyce Vissell:
- Feb 7-14, 2016—Hawaii Couples Retreat
- June 4-11, 2016 — Alaska “Inside Message” Cruise
- Jul 19-24—Shared Heart Summer Retreat at Breitenbush Hot Springs, OR
- Oct 14-20—Assisi Retreat, Italy
About the author:
Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are widely regarded as among the world’s top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk to Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom, Meant to Be, and A Mother’s Final Gift.
Call Toll-Free 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.
Are You More Important Than your Cell Phone?
Cell phones play a very important part in our lives right now. Who knows what ten years will bring, but for now they are almost like an attachment to the person who owns them. Recently I was going to our local gym to swim. I decided to just wait in my car and rest for a bit before walking in. I was parked so that I could see the people entering and leaving. Every single young person under the age of forty walked in while texting. Others a bit older walked in talking on their phone. And one remarkably brave soul just walked in with no cell phone in hand.
Last week we returned from Italy via Washington DC. At the very long line of passport clearance almost every single person, myself included, were on their cell phones. People buy expensive cases to protect their phones. And what happens if a phone announces that its battery is now at 10%? Most people act immediately. No one wants their cell phone to run out of power. A plan is quickly put in place to recharge the battery, no matter how inconvenient.
But what about us? Are we not more important than our cell phones? Our “batteries” run low as well. Few people are as urgent to charge their own batteries as they are to charge up their cell phone. We push and push ourselves to keep going and we don’t pay attention to our own battery or need to be recharged. We know one woman who had no idea how depleted her batteries were. She left for work one morning, collapsed in her front yard and was rushed to the emergency room. Her diagnosis: exhaustion!
Our own wellbeing is vastly more important than our cell phone. When our cell phones are dangerously low and we finally can plug them into electricity, there is such a good feeling from knowing that we are taking care of our cell phone and giving it what it needs. We deserve so much more!
Our need to recharge and connect to our power is so important. Some people try to ignore the need to be recharged through addictions. This can numb the need for recharging, but it will never recharge us. Many people watch TV. Even your favorite show can be entertaining, but it cannot recharge you. Recharging comes from a true connection to your source of power. Imagine trying to charge your cell phone by showing it your favorite TV show, giving it a beer, or taking it on a long shopping spree. It’s a silly image and obviously it doesn’t work. The same is true of us. Just as our cell phones need their real connection to electricity, so do we need a real connection to recharge.
So how do we recharge? Whatever it takes to connect with Source, God, Divine Love, The Infinite Being, whatever words you use to refer to the higher power, will bring a sense of recharging. These are my favorite ways of connecting. I like to sit outside and look at my garden. While looking at it I like to feel all of the things I am grateful for. The act of gratitude brings an opening of my heart. I also like to work in my garden. Just even a small amount of gardening can help to connect me with the earth. I like to lie down on the grass without a blanket under me so that I can have direct contact with the earth. Even lying there for half an hour is like a giant connection back to my source. I like walking our dog Rosie in the woods. I love being alone with Barry and using the time in a quiet way of connecting and feeling our love for one another. I like to pray either alone or with Barry and feel the closeness of our Creator and feel that I am loved and being protected. Feeling the spiritual power around me is the most important way that I recharge.
Some people like to go to a retreat or special place. It can be important to retreat from the noise of the world and just be with ourselves. Some people get recharged by being creative, writing songs, creating art pieces, singing, or cooking an amazing meal. Some parents find that if they dedicate a longer than usual period of time to just playing with their child, joining their child in their level of play and wonderment of the world, without the use of distracting cell phones, they will feel recharged afterwards . Besides being alone with me, Barry’s favorite way of recharging is to go off into nature and be alone. If it can’t be for days at a time, then even a few hours will do wonders for him.
Sometimes life is very busy and we do not have the time to plug into our source of power for a long time. I would like to offer a simple practice that has helped me over the years wherever I go. Sit quietly if you can. However, this can be done standing up even in a long line. Close your eyes (obviously this will not work while driving). Take in a deep breath and imagine that there is a light coming from your true source of power. Breathe in this light through the top of your head and feel as if it is coming down into your heart. Then as you breathe out imagine there is love coming from your heart out into the world or into whatever situation you find yourselves. I have used this in busy airports, grocery lines and sitting quietly in my garden and each time I feel a sense of being connected and recharged.
Let’s strive to keep the battery of our own life operating at a very high level. Tell yourself, “I am more important than my cell phone and I deserve to be recharged and to be filled by the true source of my being.”
Here are a few opportunities to bring more love and growth into your life, at the following longer events led by Barry and Joyce Vissell: Feb 7-14—Hawaii Couples Retreat; June 4-11 — Alaska “Inside Message” Cruise from Seattle; Jul 17-22—Shared Heart Summer Retreat at Breitenbush Hot Springs, OR; Oct 11-17—Assisi Retreat, Italy.
Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are widely regarded as among the world’s top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk to Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom, Meant to Be, and A Mother’s Final Gift.
Call Toll-Free 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.
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