Four Tips for Maintaining a Healthy Marriage
By Dr. Anne Brennan Malec
Marriage is a complex, ever-evolving relationship that challenges partners to remain active in their efforts to maintain the relationship.
While the components of a healthy relationship – passion, commitment and intimacy – may seem abstract, I have found specific actions through my practice as a clinical psychologist and marriage and family therapist that couples can do to prioritize their relationship and make it last.
• Continue or learn to communicate well. We all know to be polite to our bosses at work or strangers we meet, but it is often with those we are closest to that we slip into unhealthy habits of disrespect or inattentive listening. Most likely, at the point in your relationship when you plan to get married, you feel close and communicate well with your partner. It is over time that partners become busier, more distracted or simply make fewer efforts to communicate respectfully and openly with their spouses. But communication is a critical component to a healthy marriage.
Couples must schedule time to check in with each other weekly. This “weekly check-in” may seem less necessary in the early years of marriage, but you will appreciate the habit later when work hours become longer and kids enter the picture. Use this time to coordinate schedules, check in about any issues in the relationship, and take time for each other away from technological distractions (that means no phones or TV in the background).
• Create a budget agreement. One of the most common areas of newlywed conflict is managing a joint budget. Even if you cohabitate with your partner before marriage, it is unlikely that you pooled all of your resources, and there is a lack of education about shared budgets. But money is important for your personal and relational well-being. Talk with your partner about your financial goals and concerns. Your spouse should be an equal partner in financial decisions.
It is helpful for partners to regularly check in with each other about financial changes and decisions (you can easily incorporate this into your weekly check-ins). I advise couples to set a monthly personal budget – say $500 – that each partner can spend on individual expenses without consulting the other. If a partner wants to make a purchase that goes above the agreed-upon amount, he or she should wait until the other partner is consulted and agrees. By forming healthy spending habits and open communication about finances, partners can avoid one of the most common areas of marital conflict and feel closer as equals.
• Share responsibility for maintaining intimacy. In the early years of a relationship, intimacy seems to come naturally, so many partners take for granted the importance of actively maintaining a sense of emotional connection. This is not the responsibility of one partner, but a requirement that both spouses maintain an interest in fostering intimacy and keeping tabs on ways the other partner wishes to feel loved and cared for (because this does vary from person to person and over time).
Date nights are a simple way to establish time to reconnect during a busy week, and they are essential in the early years of marriage and beyond. Take turns planning an evening for each other, and do not get trapped in thinking it has to be extravagant. If your lives are incredibly busy that week, find a time to relax at home or try to cook a new meal together. Remember that human beings like novelty, so be willing to try new things together.
• Never be afraid to manage your differences. If I had to pick one major takeaway for couples considering marriage, it is to ensure that you are able to tell your partner when you are upset with him or her. That way your partner stands a chance of trying to fix the problem. Without this, resentment takes root and will continue to grow over time until it is addressed. This is so important because resentment often underlies any deficit in the previous points I made. It may sound basic, but it is often difficult for partners to place themselves in a vulnerable position where they can voice their concerns about the person closest to them. For couples to manage resentment, it is essential that partners create a safe conversational space where each can be heard and listen without feeling defensive or attacked.
It is inevitable that you will have a different perspective than your partner at some point – whether regarding the family budget, division of household labor, or even the right way to show intimacy. Use any and every opportunity in the early years of marriage to practice talking with each other when one partner is upset with the other. Skills such as empathy, active listening and managing anger and frustration can be learned and need to be regularly utilized in couple conversation.
About Dr. Anne Brennan Malec
Dr. Malec (www.drannemalec.com) is the founder and managing partner of Symmetry Counseling (www.symmetrycounseling.com), a group counseling, coaching and psychotherapy practice in Chicago. She also is author of the book “Marriage in the Modern Life: Why It Works, When It Works.” Dr. Malec earned her Bachelor’s degree in Accountancy from Villanova University and holds two Master’s degrees: one in Liberal Studies from DePaul University, and one in Marital and Family Therapy from Northwestern University. Dr. Malec earned her Doctoral degree in Clinical Psychology from the Chicago School of Professional Psychology.
Please Hold Me
by Joyce & Barry Vissell
When I was a little girl, I remember getting my feelings hurt by different things that would happen in my family. Perhaps it was my brother’s teasing, or my father’s tone of voice, or some words from my mother, or a tension I felt over a circumstance I had nothing to do with and yet could feel. I was and still am a sensitive person. I felt very loved in my family and at the same time occasionally I felt hurt to the point of crying. As soon as my father saw my tears, he would point his finger at my room and say, “Those feelings are private and you need to go to your room.” I never remember being held when I would cry. I was always sent to my room. It was incredibly lonely to be crying alone. I felt as if no one understood me and I had the horrible feeling that there must be something very wrong with me.
One day, when I was nine years old, I was crying in my room after being told to go there. I cannot remember what had happened in my family but I do know that my tears were flowing in abundance and I felt very sad. It was at this point that I had my first experience of God’s love. I remember an incredibly loving presence coming to me and surrounding me in peace and assurance. And then these words were spoken to me, “Right now there is a boy growing up who will know how to hold you when you cry. You will recognize him as he will be tall with dark hair and will become a doctor.”
At the time, what stood out to me was that someone would actually hold me when I was crying. That one fact brought such a joy to my child’s heart. My life was completely different after that experience as I always trusted that in time my tearful feelings could be held. Up to this point my pediatrician was concerned about me. As he held my little hand and looked into my pale thin face he told my mother that I was not thriving and that something must be wrong with me. Even now I remember hearing his words and wondering what was so wrong.
After the experience of being told that I would meet a boy that would know how to hold me, I started to thrive and within six months this doctor told my mother that he was no longer concerned about me. The fact that this boy was going to be a doctor, or was tall or had dark hair, had no effect on me until I started dating. As a child, the only thing that mattered was that he would hold me and accept my tears.
I met this wonderful boy nine years after this experience and we have been together now for fifty years. Barry holds me when I occasionally cry and it is such a wonderful feeling to be held when tears come to my eyes. I feel so safe and understood just being held. It is so important to me and makes all the difference in my life.
I once saw a woman in counseling who was with a man who ignored her tears. If she was crying he didn’t say anything negative, but he walked out of the room. I coached her to ask him to hold her, but he said he just couldn’t and continued to walk out of the room. It was so painful that her tears were ignored that the woman left the relationship. Then this same woman was with another man who got angry when she cried. He felt as if her tears were his fault and it angered him greatly to see her cry. He was a physically strong man and would stand over her in a threatening position and tell her to stop crying. Even if she told him her tears were not his fault and she just wanted to be held, he got even angrier. Once again she left this relationship. Then she was with a man who also did not like her tears. Every time she cried he would say, “This relationship is not working. Look how I make you cry. We should break up.” And he did break up with her after one of her times of crying. It is to this woman’s great credit that she tried one more time to be with a man. She finally found a man who could hold her while she cried. He had no idea why she was crying and he had no idea what he should say. In silence he just held her and told her that he loved her. This action of his healed the other experiences and she was able to truly open up to this man and be vulnerable and feel trusting. That relationship really worked. There were great qualities in the men of the other relationships, but the fact that they either ignored, got angry or shamed her for her tears caused the break up. And with the last man whom she married, he accepted her tears and held her. That is how important it is to hold someone when they cry.
This kind of holding applies to all relationships, family members and friends, as well as intimate, romantic relationships. You do not have to know what to say when someone is crying. You do not have to know how to fix them or how to bring a smile to their face. The worst thing to say while holding them is something like, “If you would have listened to me, this wouldn’t have happened.” Or, “I know exactly what you should do the next time.” Or the worst thing of all to say is, “I think you are too sensitive.” The very best is to just reach out and hold them and let them know that they are loved. Accept the tears and know that you are giving a very high and noble gift to this person. It is a gift that could make all the difference between them not thriving and truly thriving in this life. I am living proof of that.
Here are a few opportunities to bring more love and growth into your life, at the following longer events led by Barry and Joyce Vissell: Jul 19-24—Shared Heart Summer Retreat at Breitenbush Hot Springs, OR; Oct 14-20—Assisi Retreat, Italy; Feb 7-14, 2016—HawaiiCouples Retreat; June 4-11, 2016 — Alaska “Inside Message” Cruise.
About the author
Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are widely regarded as among the world’s top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk to Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom, Meant to Be, and A Mother’s Final Gift.
Call Toll-Free 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.
A New Way to Receive Appreciation
by Joyce and Barry Vissell
How do you handle acknowledgment from others? There are two different types of acknowledgment. There are compliments which are more superficial and can involve the clothes or jewelry we are wearing, the car we drive, the beautiful dog walking by our side or our adorable baby. If these compliments are pure and not part of someone trying to pick you up, they are relatively easy to accept and say thank you. Then there are deeper appreciations that involve your character and inner qualities. How would you respond if someone spoke directly from their heart, “You have so much love coming through you.” Or “Your wisdom has really changed my life.” “I feel uplifted just being in your presence.” “There is so much light coming from your eyes.” “You are a true healer and I feel so much better.” How would you honestly respond?
There are many people who feel uncomfortable and do not really know how to respond to these types of appreciations. Some people would deflect the appreciation and say something like, “Oh you too.” They would then quickly change the subject. Some people would ignore the comment all together but think to themselves, “If you really knew me, you would not be saying such a thing.” My beloved father would always smile and say, “Nonsense!” I knew that he liked the appreciation, but he just couldn’t let on that he did. One day I wrote out all my appreciations and sent them to him. Weeks went by and I did not hear back. Finally I called and asked if he received them. All he said was “yes.” Years later, a week after he had passed away, I found the letter hidden under his shirts in the drawer. The paper was worn out from being looked at so much. He truly did treasure those appreciations and yet it was so difficult to let me know.
When Barry and I were twenty-two we got married in December during his break from Meharry Medical School in Nashville, Tennessee. This was an African/American school in the 60’s when civil rights was a huge issue. It was difficult for him to be in the white minority. On his first day back to school, Barry came to me with a look of vulnerability and need for my love. His vulnerability allowed me to see the greatness of his being and all that he was meant to be in this world. With all the love in my heart I simply said, “Barry I feel in awe of who you are.” He became embarrassed and said, “I’m not sure you should say something like that.” Fortunately Barry has since learned to really take in what I say to him.
Why is it hard to receive an appreciation? None of us want to be like the person who takes in the appreciation and then feels that they are the greatest human being on the planet. We all have met people who have a very big ego and genuinely feel they are more special than anyone else. People like that can be unpleasant to be around. None of us want to feel superior to others.
I personally have struggled with this issue very intently in my early years. I was always striving for humility and I equated accepting an appreciation with a lack of humility. Forty years ago, when we were first starting to give workshops, a woman walked up and gave me such a genuine appreciation. It felt so good to hear her words and yet, afterwards, I excused myself and went into the bathroom and started to cry. I felt lost and just didn’t know how to handle the appreciations that were coming my way.
Right at this time a great blessing came into our lives in the form of a simple little woman in Mt. Shasta named Pearl. She was in her 70’s with permed gray hair and a bit of a lisp in her speech. By all appearances she was just a little old lady that lived in a little neighborhood house with flowers. But Pearl could see us in the deepest way. She could see our heart’s desire and had the ability to guide us along our path so that we could be of service from the heart. Whenever she saw one of us going up to our heads to figure something out, she would remind us to come back down to our hearts. She once told Barry and me that we would never be able to help people unless we could see and experience them from our hearts. Her teachings were good and pure and we will always feel grateful for our time with her. She did not have a large following, just some people who would come and sit in her living room and listen. I noticed that people often gave Pearl very deep appreciations. She would just smile in wonder at their words and say “Thank you.” She remained humble and pure.
One day I asked her how she receives appreciations so gracefully, and her simple reply helped to change my life. “I am always surprised and delighted at how God will come through me to help another. I never really know myself and when someone tells me, then it is such a blessing that all I can say is thank you.” She was not sitting there thinking, “Oh my, I am such a special person.” She was merely delighted that the Great Presence of Love was coming through her to bless another. She never took credit for any of it.
Next time someone appreciates you, listen deeply to their words. Then thank them and feel the wonder that the higher energies were able to come through you to bless this person. Feel a sense of awe that ordinary human beings can be used to bless and help others. When we see it this way, all we can really feel is grateful.
Here are a few opportunities to bring more love and growth into your life, at the following longer events led by Barry and Joyce Vissell: Jul 19-24—Shared Heart Summer Retreat at Breitenbush Hot Springs, OR; Oct 14-20—Assisi Retreat, Italy for individuals and couples; Feb 7-14, 2016—Hawaii Couples Retreat
Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are widely regarded as among the world’s top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk to Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom, Meant to Be, and A Mother’s Final Gift.
Call Toll-Free 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.
Trust Comes First
I have been on crutches for the last three weeks. It hasn’t been much fun. It certainly hasn’t made my life easy. I had a meniscus surgery on my right knee last June, then probably reinjured it by doing too much too soon. The stress of trying to be my very active self these last months caused micro fractures in the bones of the knee joint. So now my strict order is no weight bearing for a full month to actually let my knee heal. Then, in a couple more weeks I will get another MRI to gauge the healing and see if I am ready to walk.
I help my knee by not walking on it right now. I help by sending positive, healing energy to my knee? But I help the most by trusting in God, a power and love greater than my body or mind. In this time on crutches, I find myself constantly facing the biggest choice life has to offer: do I depend upon my own will and strength, or do I depend on the highest source of power in the universe? When I sit and meditate, I realize this is a moment by moment decision. One moment I trust God, and put my whole life (and my knee) in greater hands than mine. That moment I sit in peace. The next moment I’m planning out my day or my life as if there is only me to depend upon. I’m no longer at peace. Then I remember to trust and let go. Again peace. What if my knee doesn’t heal and I still can’t walk? Agitation. There is a divine plan working for my highest good and happiness. Again peace.
Trust. Not trust. Trust. Not trust. The human free will tries to insert its dominion. Trust in a higher power is the most difficult thing to sustain, and the most important thing to sustain. I can’t see angels, but I trust they are there helping me every step of my journey.
In our Shared Heart Summer Retreat at Breitenbush Hot Springs in Oregon, we start out the first morning with trust. Since we have everyone together for the first hour of the morning session, including children of every age, we need to also make that hour lively and fun. The whole point is to encourage trust, and to challenge everyone to start with what is most important … trust. We say to the group, “None of us knows what will happen this week, but let’s trust that it will be good.” We include simple trust exercises like having each child or adult take turns standing in the center of a small group, close their eyes and fall against the hands of their group, hands that will always catch them and keep them safe. Then we do a “trust walk,” where each person takes turns closing their eyes and is led on an adventure by one partner with eyes open. Closing eyes is a powerful way to learn to trust in both exercises. Too often, with your eyes open, you become too much in control. Closing your eyes gives you an opportunity to trust in something greater than your own little control. It’s surprising how many people can’t keep their eyes closed in these two exercises. Is it possible to trust what you cannot see? Joyce and I believe so.
You may ask, “What about love? Isn’t that more important than trust?” Without trusting in the Divine, love becomes something you do from your personal self. Love without trust is small love. After Joyce and I got married, since our religious difference had brought so much sadness and pain into our lives, we decided to throw it all out. We thought we could be happy with just our personal love for each other. How wrong we were. We didn’t just throw out religion, we also threw out spirituality, the foundation of religion. It was like we were drinking from a cup without refilling it. Without trust in a God greater than religion, our cup of love ran dry, and we found ourselves in real trouble. Thankfully, with lots of help from spiritual teachers, we found our way back to trust, which allowed us to refill our cup of love.
Gratitude is a very powerful practice. But like love, gratitude without trust is “small” gratitude. It is saying thank you without really meaning it. Without trusting that your every need is provided for, gratitude is hollow. When you trust the Divine Beingness, gratitude follows naturally and effortlessly. In those moments when I trust that my knee is being restored by the greatest healing energy in the universe, all I can do is give thanks.
Trust requires childlike innocence. It’s a knowing that our Mother-Father God is taking care of our every need, every moment of our lives. True, this has not been the case with our earthly parents, where we may have felt misunderstood, neglected, abandoned, or even abused. Many of us, like me, have decided we can only depend upon ourselves, that we can never depend upon anyone else. Turning to complete self-reliance, however, completely ignores our dependence upon the Divine. Joyce and I are blessed to have our daughter, Rami, and her four-year-old son, Skye, living right on our property. We spend as much time with our grandson as possible. His innocence opens our hearts. But his trust in us is a constant reminder for us to trust in God. When he’s hungry, he can simply announce it and know there will always be food for him. He doesn’t have to keep track of the snot hanging down from one of his nostrils. A tissue magically appears in front of his nose, and he hears the word “blow.” When I make up a story involving the simplest of props, his trust allows him to become completely immersed in the story. It can, and has, gone on for hours, or so it seems to me, the one who keeps track of the time. But for Skye, his childlike trust transcends time. He lives in the story, becomes the story, knowing I will take care of all his needs, and he can become lost in play. It won’t always be this way. Gradually he is learning self-responsibility, but I pray that he also learns to trust God, so that self-responsibility becomes secondary to trust.
I pray the same for all of us!
Here are a few opportunities to bring more love and growth into your life, at the following longer events led by Barry and Joyce Vissell: Jul 19-24—Shared Heart Summer Retreat at Breitenbush Hot Springs, OR; Oct 14-20—Assisi Retreat, Italy for individuals and couples; Feb 7-14, 2016—Hawaii Couples Retreat.
About the author
Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are widely regarded as among the world’s top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk to Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom, Meant to Be, and A Mother’s Final Gift.
Call Toll-Free 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.