A Closer Look at Unworthiness
by Joyce and Barry Vissell
Do you ever feel unworthy to receive good things in your life? It’s not an easy question to answer. Some of you are in touch with your feelings of not deserving. Some of you are not. I dare say that feelings of unworthiness are present in most of us, although we might not be aware of them. The first step in overcoming these feelings is to become aware of them. This can’t only be a mental process. Feelings of unworthiness need to be recognized and felt, before healing can happen.
Joyce and I see many people in our counseling practice who deny any feelings of unworthiness. These same people show some of the classic signs of unworthiness: difficulty asking for what they need, most forms of procrastination, resistance to lifestyle improvement, not taking good enough care of themselves, or problems with addiction. There are perhaps many times when we resist something good simply because we don’t believe we deserve it.
Where do these feelings of unworthiness come from? Our childhood can hold some important clues. In a previous article, “How We Internalize Blame” (on our website, SharedHeart.org), I wrote about a violent act by my mother and the message given to me that her violence was my fault. I learned that I deserved violence … not helpful! But I very much needed to become aware of this feeling, before I could learn on a feeling level that no child deserves violence.
I also learned in my childhood that love was conditional. I needed to earn love by being extra good. So as an adult, and a doctor/psychotherapist, the more I helped people, the more good I did in the world, the more I deserved to be happy (or so I unconsciously thought). But this never worked because it was a flawed concept. Perhaps twenty years ago, at a couple’s retreat at Rowe Conference Center in Massachusetts, I vulnerably shared these feelings. Scott Kalechstein Grace, our musician and assistant, suggested I experiment with lying on one of the couches in the back of the room and completely letting go of leading the workshop. He said, “Don’t worry, Joyce and I can lead the workshop just fine.” Just then, an older man suggested I lie with my head in his lap so he could father me and keep giving me the message that I was perfectly worthy without having to do a thing, without having to prove my worthiness.
It was a fabulous experience! I really let go. Even though I only lay there for perhaps twenty minutes, I returned with a whole new feeling of worthiness that did not depend on doing anything. I became a human being rather than a human doing. It’s simply not possible to earn love or happiness. Love and happiness are our birthright.
The healing of unworthiness lies in understanding our dual nature. I’ve said this before but it’s worth saying again: we are both human beings having a spiritual experience AND we are spiritual beings having a human experience. If we identify with either one, and push away the other, we delay our healing of unworthiness. If we’re only human beings having a spiritual experience, we become too identified with our unworthiness, and so cannot let it go. If we’re only spiritual beings having a human experience, we risk minimizing or even denying our human feelings, including unworthiness.
Healing our unworthiness depends on our acceptance of our humanity and our divinity. Here’s an example. Many years ago, Ram Dass lived close to us and was an important teacher for us. He was writing a book about his guru, and had not spoken in public in many months. Then he received an invitation to speak at a local college, the University of California Santa Cruz. We saw him the day of the talk. He admitted to us that he felt more nervous than he had in many years. He felt unworthy to speak as a teacher to so many people. And he had been praying deeply for divine help.
Joyce and I went to the talk that evening. We told him later that it was the best talk he had ever given. He actually agreed. He said he was more in touch with his humanity … and his unworthiness … than ever before. As a result, he also opened more to his divinity and his need for divine help.
One of my heroes is Saint Francis, a man who was intimate with his unworthiness. He actually took unworthiness to a whole new level. He often stood in the Piazza del Comune, the village square in Assisi, dressed in rags and acting like a fool. Even now he is still referred to as the “Fool of God.” People called him names, spit at him. Children threw rocks at him. All the while, he thanked God for the bad treatment. He actually celebrated his unworthiness! Was he a masochist? Not at all. He felt so close to his beloved Jesus while he was being abused. He became completely identified with Christ who also suffered even worse abuse. As a result, Francis also rose into a spiritual ecstasy, into a true awareness of his divine worthiness, his full divinity.
Okay, maybe it’s a bit of a stretch to celebrate your unworthiness. But still you can accept these feelings as part of accepting your full human condition. Only then can you more fully accept your divine condition and open to your original worthiness. We have always been worthy. We are all divine beings too. Nothing we have ever done, or could ever do, can take away our inherent worthiness. Yes, we all make mistakes, some very big ones too. But we are not our mistakes. We are sparks of the one divine light. We deserve all the good the universe has to offer. When we know our worthiness, we are then free to give all of our love and make our dreams come true.
Here are a few opportunities to bring more love and growth into your life, at the following longer events led by Barry and Joyce Vissell:
Jul 16-21 — Shared Heart Summer Retreat at Breitenbush Hot Springs, OR
Oct 11-17 — Assisi Retreat, Italy
Feb 4-11, 2018 — Hawaii Couples Retreat on the Big Island
About the authors:
Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are widely regarded as among the world’s top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk to Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom, Meant to Be, and A Mother’s Final Gift.
Call 831-684-2299 or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.
Feeling ALL Our Feelings
by Joyce and Barry Vissell
There are popular feelings: joy, happiness, love and affection, to name a few. And then there are unpopular feelings: anger, sadness, grief, hurt, and fear, among others. Most of us tend to hide the unpopular feelings and, instead, only feel and show the popular ones.
If we want integrity and wholeness in our lives, we must embrace all our feelings. Picking and choosing simply won’t work. Believe me, I’ve tried it plenty, and in a bit I’ll tell you what happened to me.
Remember, there are no good or bad feelings. There are just feelings. They make us divinely human and humanly divine. It may not be necessary to express them all with others, but we need to be aware of them within ourselves. Feelings are part of our experience here on Earth. Our feelings don’t define us. As souls in these bodies, we are always more than our feelings. Still, they are vital.
Joyce and I recently remembered a powerful experience I had starting out as a resident in psychiatry. I was especially fixated on only feeling … and showing … the above-mentioned popular feelings. I was able to fool a lot of people by my appearance of unswerving peace and happiness. I was not able to fool two persons in particular. One was Joyce. She always saw what I really felt. She saw right through my false pretense, even when I didn’t. She knew when I was angry, even though I was smiling. She knew when I was sad, even when I had no clue.
The other person I could never fool was Leo Buscaglia, the author of many books on love, and our friend while we lived in Los Angeles during my final two years of medical school. He was not polite with me. If I wasn’t being genuine, he’d get right in my face and say, “Barry, you’re being phony right now!” I actually appreciated his candor, and felt the “tough love” in his honesty. Unfortunately, when we moved up to Portland for my residency training, I hadn’t yet learned how to be genuine with my feelings.
That was about to change. Early on in my psychiatry training, the first-year residents, eleven of us and our spouses, were required to attend a five-day intensive led by Lee Fine, a master-teacher of psychodrama. I should add that the year was 1973, and a significant part of the five days would be better termed “Encounter Group.”
All of the participants became vulnerable, showed their fears, their sadness, their grief over losses in their lives. One resident went over the top in the expression of his vulnerability, and described, through his tears, coming home from school as a child and discovering his father hanging in the garage.
I showed no vulnerability, no fear, no pain. Instead, I presented myself with a smile on my face and peace in my life. Some of the residents were gentle and compassionate in their probing for my depth. Yet my smiling mask never faltered. Looking back at my level of emotional immaturity, it’s embarrassing to me now.
One by one, all the residents came around me and began confronting me. Each, in their own way, asked me to be more genuine and honest with all my feelings.
One resident asked, “How can I feel close to you if you’re pretending to be happy all the time?”
Another said, “It looks like you’re hiding behind a mask.”
And yet another blurted out angrily, “It’s pissing me off how phony you’re being right now!”
Still, I remained frozen in my phony happiness. I just was not able to access my “unpopular” feelings.
So the confrontation escalated. Some of the residents were angry at my apparent resistance. Forget psychodrama. This was pure 1970’s encounter group. I was sitting on the floor while all ten residents stood above me. I felt real compassion coming from some of them.
Finally, something broke inside me. I just wasn’t strong enough to withstand the mixed barrage of love and anger. I started crying … then sobbing. I had flashes of being a little boy and not wanting my tormentors in the tough neighborhood in Brooklyn to know that I was scared and hurt. I learned to show the world how strong I was. I learned that my vulnerability couldn’t be trusted with anyone else. It was me against the world.
In that moment of the workshop, I felt completely vulnerable with ten psychiatry residents. Now they could pounce on me and finish me off. I was defenseless.
But that didn’t happen. When I opened my eyes, I saw the gentlest, most caring faces looking down at me. I saw loving fathers, mothers, siblings and friends. I heard gentle compassion in their words. I felt accepted … and acceptable. It was a moment of coming-out as a sensitive, vulnerable human being.
It was also a turning point in my life. From that moment on, I knew my spiritual and human growth depended on my opening to all my feelings. I have accepted this work as essential. I’m far from perfect at identifying my feelings. It’s hard work. Sometimes, when I need Joyce’s love, I push her away instead. Sometimes, when I feel hurt, I still rationalize and talk myself out of the feeling. But I do recognize that, because I am committed to feeling all my feelings, I am becoming a better counselor, teacher, husband, father … and person.
Here are a few opportunities to bring more love and growth into your life, at the following longer events led by Barry and Joyce Vissell:
Feb 5-12, 2017 — Hawaii Couples Retreat on the Big Island
Jul 16-21 — Shared Heart Summer Retreat at Breitenbush Hot Springs, OR
Oct 11-17 — Assisi Retreat, Italy
Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are widely regarded as among the world’s top experts on conscious relationship and personal growth. They are the authors of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk to Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom, Meant to Be, and A Mother’s Final Gift.
Call Toll-Free 1-800-766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for further information on counseling sessions by phone or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.
Holiday Tips for Blended Families Dreaming of Festivities Without Fighting
If you’re part of a blended family, you know: Navigating the politics of new spouses, new stepsiblings, and new sets of in-laws can be tough. Around the holidays it’s even tougher. When school’s in session, parents and kids are busy and overscheduled, so it’s easy to brush faulty family dynamics under the rug. But over the upcoming holiday breaks, tensions can escalate faster than you can say “mistletoe.” Between the kids being out of school, family celebrations, and unwelcome input from visiting in-laws, everyone just wants to hibernate until spring.
“While blended families are far from rare, it’s shocking how few of them set up standards and rules to live by,” says life coach and professional consultant Leaha Mattinson. “From Thanksgiving up until New Year’s Day, this oversight really makes itself known. The sheer amount of togetherness around the holidays shines a light on how disconnected, unhappy, and dysfunctional blended families can be when they don’t deliberately set up specific operating principles.”
Mattinson, author of the book Silver Linings: The Essential Guide to Building Courage, Self-Respect and Wellness (Balboa Press, 2016, ISBN: 978-1-5043-5918-4, $13.99), says the three big mistakes blended families most often make are: setting ineffective ground rules, failing to respect boundaries, and not effectively managing the changes that inevitably happen when families merge. These oversights set off chain reactions of negativity that cause friction, hurt, and confusion.
If this describes your blended family, Mattinson suggests using the upcoming holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas as a trial run for establishing a thoughtful set of rules to live by together. After all, you’ll have plenty of quality time to reset less-than-perfect dynamics and move forward as a team in the new year. Keep reading for 12 ways to make sure your blended family finds the seasonal harmony you’re hoping for.
First, get clear on what you need from your spouse. “It’s key to be candid with your partner,” says Mattinson. “You need a solid foundation of trust and mutual respect to maintain a lasting relationship and to support your collective children as well.”
Mattinson recommends communicating often with your partner and being rigorously honest as you listen to and try to understand their needs. Remember also that what you both needed five years ago from each other is likely different from what you need today. And keep checking in throughout the year, making sure to appreciate each other and cherish your relationship together.
Reflect on your values as a family. Figuring out what you want to stand for is the first step in successfully blending a family. Have a family discussion about the key values you want to live by as a newly minted team. Some values to get you started are: honesty, togetherness, fairness, respect for each other, and so forth.
Create ground rules together and encourage buy-in. Next, hold a family meeting and figure out the rules your blended family will operate under. For example: Make your bed in the morning, say “please” and “thank you,” eat dinner as a family whenever possible, no cell phones at the table, own up to your mistakes, apologize if you hurt someone. Let everyone give input into these ground rules and be respectful of everyone’s needs.
“When you have established your family ground rules, write them into a family charter and give everyone a copy,” suggests Mattinson. “If there are ground rules that some members can’t agree on, put them in a jar and come back to them in a week or two to see if anything has changed.”
Make sure the adults are a collaborative unit for the kids. All adult members of the child-rearing team should work together for the good of the children. This can be tricky for non-residing stepparents and grandparents, aunts and uncles, etc., but it truly does take a village to raise kids. So try to enforce ground rules, protect all boundaries, and keep squabbles, hurt feelings, and disagreements out of the process.
“If a member of the team simply won’t cooperate or carries a grudge—perhaps a bitter parent or in-law—don’t force direct communication,” instructs Mattinson. “Instead, use an intermediary to relay information and try not to take it personally. The moment they’re ready to cooperate, respond immediately with welcoming kindness. Remember that resentment and bitterness delays the healing of the unit. This is about the kids.”
Allow each family member to establish their own boundaries… “A boundary is a limit that exists to honor your own needs, and everyone deserves to lay out their boundaries and have others respect them,” says Mattinson. “I have a boundary that no one swears at me. Maybe you have a boundary that no one borrows your car without permission. Let every family member list their boundaries so everyone knows each other’s wishes.”
…and respect everyone’s boundaries. Everyone deserves to have their boundaries respected and adhered to, even the kids. Mattinson urges families to make a game out of it, by saying “ouch” whenever someone crosses the line. This technique teaches children to respect each other from a young age and creates a “shorthand” language to keep each family member in check.
Help grandparents adjust to new dynamics. A growing family can rearrange the status quo, in a way that often results in hurt feelings, coalitions, and drama. For example, adding a new stepmom to a family may make Grandma—a trusted advisor—feel that her input is no longer valued. Mattinson insists that it is vital to address these boundary shifts when they happen. Assure Grandma that her wisdom is still appreciated, but you and your partner will be making the major family decisions.
“It takes a long time to repair damaged interfamily relationships, so do your best to gently reinforce new boundaries before they become a problem,” says Mattinson. “And be sure to invite grandparents to your holiday parties and dinners so they feel included. A little graciousness can go a long way.”
Don’t bestow special privileges or presents on certain children (thus shortchanging others). Sadly, the stereotype of an unwanted stepchild is a heartbreaking reality for many children, and the effects of being left out or treated as “less than” can last a lifetime. No matter what, strive to treat all your children with the same love, compassion, and care. In other words, everyone gets to go skiing or receives a great gift—not just one lucky child.
“It’s not that everyone has to do the exact same activities or receive the same presents, but the value of activities and gifts should be equal or at least close to equal,” says Mattinson. “Believe me: Mom’s kids notice when Stepdad’s kids get bigger allowances, more clothes, and more exciting vacations. They will remember for a lifetime, in fact.”
Give immediate rewards when kids do the right thing. “We’re hardwired to respond to positive feedback, so a simple rewards-based system encourages your children to follow ground rules and respect everyone’s boundaries,” Mattinson says. “If my children clean up after themselves, I respond with an enthusiastic, ‘Thanks, guys! Wow, this place looks great!’ It rewards them and reinforces the ground rule of keeping a clean home. But larger rewards this time of year could also be going ice skating, inviting friends over for a kids’ holiday party, or baking gingerbread cookies together.”
And make sure the “reward” resonates with the receiver. Different people are motivated by different things; affection, gifts, and food are just a few examples. Reinforce good behavior in your children by tailoring the rewards to the specific child you hope to encourage. For example, let your television-loving son pick the film for family movie night as a reward for tidying up the house.
Work to build trust among all family members. All families work if they come from a place of mutual respect and trust. Parents should be in charge of this ongoing mission. To build trust with all of your family members, be impeccable with your word. In short, this means honoring promises you make to your kids. For example, if you promise to take them sledding in exchange for two weeks of completing their chores, you must fulfill your part of the agreement. Going back on your promises (even small ones) teaches others that you waver and dissolves your trustworthiness. But fulfilling agreements, being candid and truthful at all times, and adhering to the boundaries you’ve all agreed upon builds mutual respect and trust among everyone.
Check in with family members regularly and reassess rules. As time passes, revisit your charter and encourage each family member to assess whether they’re fulfilling their part of the family vision. Make sure that all ground rules are still relevant and update each other about new boundaries that need to be respected. Every family is changing all the time, so be willing to evolve and compromise right along with it.
“Even though belonging to a blended family can be tricky around the holidays, you can make it work and make it work well,” concludes Mattinson. “If everyone communicates, listens, and, most importantly, has their hearts in the right place, you can overcome typical challenges and growing pains, and can truly become one big happy family—or at least one big functional family.”
About the Author:
Leaha Mattinson, author of Silver Linings, is using her professional training as a life coach and change management specialist to develop a mental and physical regimen to stop the onset of Huntington’s disease. She has helped thousands of individuals find solutions to their personal problems and works with CEOs and senior managers to build leaders, address issues of workplace conflict, and ensure positive change. Leaha is beating the odds through proven, simple “wellness strategies” that anyone can achieve. She shares her strategies in her book and on her website at www.reallifetraining.com.
About the Book:
Silver Linings: The Essential Guide to Building Courage, Self-Respect and Wellness (Balboa Press, 2016, ISBN: 978-1-5043-5918-4, $13.99)
Gratitude Helps Strengthen Relationships
Just in time for Thanksgiving, leading couple therapist Dr. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, and author of Wired for Love and Wired for Dating, discusses one of the key ingredients to a healthy relationship – cultivating gratitude. Dr. Tatkin encourages partners to use this time of year to embark on a new path toward relationship growth and success.
Cultivate gratitude
Among Dr. Tatkin’s 10 Commandments to a Secure-Functioning Relationship is: Thou shalt gaze lovingly upon thy partner daily and make frequent and meaningful gestures of appreciation, admiration, and gratitude.
Gratitude is the opposite of misery. That is why miserable people are never grateful. Their glass is always empty. Finding gratitude is inextricably related to reality as we are always getting more than we are giving if we really do an honest daily inventory. The human being is a selfish animal. People are always aware of what they are not getting and become angry, resentful, envious, and deprived. An exercise based on Naikan, a Japanese meditation practice to engender feelings of gratitude, details that if each partner was to do an honest inventory of what they have received from their partner, what they’ve given, and the trouble they’ve caused their partner, a feeling of gratitude would likely emerge.
A Harvard Mental Health Newsletter reported on a study of couples which found that individuals who took time to express gratitude for their partner not only felt more positive toward the other person but also felt more comfortable expressing concerns about their relationship. “Thanksgiving is the perfect time to pause and reflect on what you’re grateful for in your life. You thank others for little courtesies, but do you thank your partner? If not, it’s quite simple to do so. Make daily gestures of appreciation, admiration and gratitude to your partner,” explains Dr. Tatkin.
Dr. Tatkin has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA and is best-selling author of Wired for Love and Wired for Dating. Dr. Tatkin and his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, PhD, are cofounders of the PACT Institute. They travel the world training therapists in their unique approach to couple therapy. The Tatkins also provide Wired for Love and Wired for Relationship retreats for couples and individuals. Learn more about Dr. Tatkin at http://www.stantatkin.com.
About Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT
Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, has a clinical practice as a couple therapist in Calabasas, CA, and is an assistant professor at the UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine. He and his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, PhD, founded the PACT Institute and lead therapist training programs in cities across the United States and around the world. Tatkin is the author of three well-received books about relationships—Wired for Dating, Wired for Love, and Your Brain on Love—and is coauthor of Love and War in Intimate Relationships.
About the PACT Institute
The PACT Institute is a leading global organization that offers training for clinical professionals in a method designed to help secure-functioning relationships flourish. The Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy® (PACT) draws on more than three decades of research on developmental neuroscience, attachment theory, and arousal regulation. Since 2008, the PACT Institute has trained more than 1,000 practitioners across North America, Europe, and Australia and has expanded the training to three levels. PACT has gained a reputation for effectively treating even the most challenging couples. For more information visit http://www.thepactinstitute.com.
Source: http://www.health.harvard.edu/newsletter_article/in-praise-of-gratitude
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