It’s a scary fact that narcissists walk among us every day. If you’re like most people, you know at least one of these infuriating and impossible individuals—and chances are you know even more! Sadly, it’s not always easy to recognize a narcissist from the moment you meet (they’re sneaky that way!). But fortunately, Dr. Mark Goulston has unlocked the secrets to identifying and dealing with the irrational people in your life.
“It’s easy to get enmeshed with narcissists because they are deceptively charming when they want to be,” says Mark Goulston, MD, author of “Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone(AMACOM, 2015, ISBN: 978-0-814-43647-9, $17.95) and Talking to Crazy: How to Deal with the Irrational and Impossible People in Your Life (AMACOM, 2015, ISBN: 978-0-814-43636-3, $24.95,www.markgoulston.com). “The earlier you can spot a narcissist, the better are the chances that you’ll be able to distance yourself and sidestep getting tangled in their web of drama.”
Goulston points out that narcissist behavior can include everything from lies and manipulation, to doublespeak, fearmongering, guilt tripping, self-centeredness, and every bad behavior in between. He points out that if you have to deal with a narcissist at work or in your personal life, it can take a real toll on your happiness and quality of life over time.
“The best way to deal with a narcissist is to avoid them,” adds Goulston. “But first you have to know what to look for. My Narcissist Inventory is an essential checklist for identifying suspected narcissists.”
Keep reading for Goulston’s Narcissist Inventory quiz followed by his no-fail strategy to stop narcissistic abuse instantly.
To use the Narcissist Inventory, rate the person on a 1-to-3 scale (1 = rarely; 2 = sometimes; 3 = frequently):
- How often does the person need to be right at all costs?
- How often does the person act impatient with you for no good reason?
- How often does the person interrupt you in the middle of what you’re saying, and yet take offense if you interrupt?
- How often does the person expect you to drop whatever you’re thinking about and listen to him or her—and does the person take offense when you expect the same in return?
- How often does the person talk more than he or she listens?
- How often does the person say, “Yes, but,” “That’s not true,” “No,” “However,” or “Your problem is”?
- How often does the person resist and resent doing something that matters to you, just because it’s inconvenient?
- How often does the person expect you to cheerfully do something that’s inconvenient for you?
- How often does the person expect you to accept behavior that he or she would refuse to accept from you?
- How often does the person fail to say, “Thank you,” “I’m sorry,” “Congratulations,” or “Excuse me” when it’s called for?
To score your inventory, add up the total:
10-16 = The person is cooperative.
17-23 = The person is argumentative.
24-30 = The person is a narcissist.
Of course, there may be circumstances in which you must deal with a narcissist. For those moments when you are forced to endure someone’s inappropriate behavior, keep this strategy in mind. It will shut down a narcissistic rant or attack in seconds flat.
- Identify who he or she is by using the above inventory.
- Never expect him or her to not act in a condescending and controlling manner (so you won’t be caught off guard or blindsided when they do).
- When they act in that manner, look them straight in the eye, unfazed, and let them finish whatever they’re saying.
- When they finish, pause for 2-4 seconds (which will cause them to realize their usual MO didn’t work on you).
- Then say, calmly, firmly, and looking into their eyes, “Please repeat everything you said in the last few minutes, especially about what you want me to do, in a normal tone of voice. I have an uncontrollable habit of tuning people out when they are yelling, talking at, or talking down to me, and if what you said was important for me to hear, I’m afraid you’re going to have to tell it to me again.”
“Here’s the bottom line,” concludes Goulston. “If you don’t learn to manage the narcissists you encounter in daily life, they will control you—or at least make you very unhappy. The sooner you know the red flags to look out for, the better off you’ll be. It’s better to say ‘no, thanks’ and get out of the danger zone than be a casualty of someone’s jerkish abuse.”
About the Author:
Mark Goulston, MD, is the author of “Just Listen” and Talking to Crazy. He is a speaker, advisor, activist, writer, syndicated columnist, radio co-host, former UCLA professor, FBI hostage negotiation trainer, and the author of seven books.
About the Books:
“Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone(AMACOM, 2015, ISBN: 978-0-814-43647-9, $17.95) and Talking to Crazy: How to Deal with the Irrational and Impossible People in Your Life (AMACOM, 2015, ISBN: 978-0-814-43636-3, $24.95, www.markgoulston.com) are available from major online booksellers.
“In the steps of Thomas Pakenham, TreeGirl has produced a unique work that combines a personal (physical & spiritual) ecopsychological connection with a historical and naturalist’s understanding of trees. TreeGirl’s iconic book is an artful mix of the female and arboreal form.”
—Dr. Joe Hinds, Psychologist & Psychotherapist, co-author of Ecotherapy: Theory, Research and Practice
Affinity for trees is embedded in the human psyche. For Julianne Skai Arbor – photographer, certified arborist, conservation educator, and forest ecotherapist – trees are her secret love. In her spectacular new book, TreeGirl: Intimate Encounters with Wild Nature, Arbor, a.k.a. TreeGirl, invites readers to share her love of the wildness and grandeur of Nature through more than 150 stunning photographs of herself and other women gracefully intertwined nude with fifty species of trees in thirteen countries. The captioned images are complemented with each species natural history and ethnobotany, and by five essays on the ecopsychology, science and spirituality of the human-tree relationship.
There is no other book quite like TREEGIRL: Intimate Encounters With Wild Nature. Not just a nature photography book, this work is truly interdisciplinary weaving evocative images, essays, and personal stories to remind us that amidst the craziness of our modern technological culture and unprecedented climate crisis, we humans are Nature and connecting deeply with Nature is truly healing.
As Arbor explains, “Imagine if we completely open our hearts to Nature and fall in love over and over again with the sacredness of this life force . . . I invite us modern humans to become re-enchanted with Nature, to experience intimacy and soulful engagement with trees and our more-than-human companions on this Earth . . . I have found my secret love in the plant kin-dom of trees. I encourage you to find your secret love in Nature as well – to find your wild within.”
Since 1995, the author has traveled the world from Northern California, to Australia and Oceana, to Europe, to the plains of Africa in search of breathtaking trees. Once she finds one that she connects with, she sheds her clothes, scales the trunk and limbs, and photographs herself in authentic connection with the tree. The resulting photographs are gorgeous and awe-inspiring, inspiring the reader to find their own sensorial connection with nature.
Arbor’s well-researched essays holistically address not only her unique life experiences with trees, but the human-tree relationship as well. In Lovers, the author presents a dreamy tale of her sensual, transmutational encounter with a tree. In Tree Affinity, she discusses the biology and psychology of why people are attracted to trees. Her essay Touch Trees presents a holistic view of arboriculture – the science of taking care of trees, while The Goddess and the Green Man is the story of Arbor’s spiritual experiences with trees as female and male Nature archetypes. The last chapter Rewilding offers seven accessible ways for people to connect with Nature to “rewild” themselves – from taking forest bathing walks, making physical contact with the earth, to listening to the more-than-human world.
Beautifully designed and printed, TREEGIRL: Intimate Encounters With Wild Nature serves as both a personal photographic record of Julianne Skai Arbor’s intimate experiences as well as a scientifically grounded look at the importance of trees and the threats that many species now face. This unique book will awaken the readers’ own inner yearnings to find connection and companionship within Nature. As photographer Erica Mueller, founder of the Embody Project says, “TREEGIRL: Intimate Encounters With Wild Nature is the perfect marriage: gorgeous nude fine-art photography book meets arboriculturist’s master class. TreeGirl has set a new precedent for us all to see ? and know ? ourselves as one with wild Nature.”
About the author:
Julianne Skai Arbor a.k.a TreeGirl is the author of TREEGIRL: Intimate Encounters With Wild Nature. She has been on the forefront of the fields of ecotherapy and nature connection since she began creating self-portraits with trees in 1995. Certified as an arborist through the International Society of Arboriculture and as a California naturalist through the University of California, Arbor has taught interdisciplinary college-level conservation education for over ten years, including pioneering the first program in environmental arts.
Julianne Skai Arbor holds graduate degrees in environmental Education and Arts and Consciousness Studies, and is continuing her studies in Forestry and Climate Change. With her passion for trees she creates an experiential bridge to connect people with nature through forest ecotherapy, portrait sessions, and immersive nature retreats with trees around the world. She lives in Sonoma County, California amidst the native oak and coast redwood trees. Her gallery of images can be found at www.TreeGirl.org.
by Stephen Hawley Martin
Nobody broke the news to me—gently or otherwise—and I didn’t find out by delving into family genealogy. As far back as I can remember I’ve known I was descended from a witch—or rather, I was descended from a woman who was hanged as one. When I probe my memory, the first family discussion I recall on the subject had to do with the correct form of the past tense of the verb “to hang.”
“Pictures are hung,” my mother told me. “People are hanged.”
Both my mother and father believed people who pretended witches were tormenting them had framed our ancestor, Susannah North Martin, by saying she was one of those doing so. My parents were convinced the inscription on the monument to Susannah in her hometown of Amesbury, Massachusetts, was true—that she was, “An honest, hardworking, Christian woman. Accused as a witch, tried and executed at Salem, July 19, 1692. A martyr of superstition.”
At the age of 27, however, I had what can be described a paranormal experience, and you might say it opened my eyes. Metaphysics became a field of study of particular interest—one I have since learned much about—and the more I learned, the more I wondered if my ancestor really had been a witch. So I decided to conduct my own investigation. I studied copies of as many original documents from the time of the witch hysteria as I could get my hands on, and there are plenty—pre-trial witness depositions, court transcripts, and eyewitness accounts abound.
I’m now almost certain at least some of the accused were practicing magic, or “witchcraft” as it was then called, and I wrote a book about it—a real-life murder mystery called A Witch in the Family, an expanded, second edition of which has just been published.
Ironically, the events that let to the witch hysteria began in a Puritan minister’s kitchen—the reverend Samuel Parris. According my research, Reverend Parris and his wife spent a fair amount of time away from home visiting the members of their parish when the hysteria began in the winter of 1691-92. Their daughter, Betty Parris, age nine, and her eleven year old cousin, Abigail Williams, were often left in the care of the family’s Carib Indian slave, Tituba.
It’s likely Tituba warmed the cold New England days reminiscing about her childhood in sunny Barbados, telling fanciful tales involving magic. There is evidence she also demonstrated voodoo tricks for the girls. Despite their young age, the girls certainly knew this type of behavior was strictly forbidden, but as any youngsters would, they wanted to know their futures and Tituba used incantations she said would show them. It wasn’t long before six other young women and girls joined Betty and Abigail in the Parris kitchen to find out about their futures.
One trick Tituba is thought to have demonstrated was a variation on crystal ball gazing. An egg was cracked open and the white allowed to slide into a glass of water. This was then held up to a candle. The girls were told to look into the egg white, and they would see images that would foretell the occupations of their future husbands.
The group of girls and young women soon began displaying bizarre behavior. They fell into fits. They went into trances. They felt pricked with pins and cut with knives. They were tempted to throw themselves into the fire and commit suicide. They had to cover their ears when the minister preached the word of God because they could not bear to listen to it. A local doctor diagnosed them as bewitched, and this started the hysteria ball rolling. Word most certainly spread quickly that the Reverend Parris had said, “the devil hath been raised among us, and his rage is vehement and terrible; and, when he shall be silenced, the Lord only knows.”
You may wonder why historians in the nineteenth and twentieth centuries dismissed such ideas as magical thinking. Couldn’t there actually have been something paranormal going on?
They didn’t consider the possibility because of Scientific Materialism. During the Age of Enlightenment, which got fully underway in the next century, the eighteen, the scientific community adopted as a basic tenet the Deist thinking first promulgated by Thomas Hobbes (1588-1679) that such things as ghosts and spirits did not and could not exist. Anything paranormal was chalked up to imagination or hallucination because a majority in science believed physical reality is all there is. If you couldn’t measure it or see it under a microscope, it didn’t exist.
We now know that simply is not true. As I discuss in A Witch in the Family, plenty of scientific research today indicates there’s a lot more to reality than meets the eye—reason enough to re-examine what took place at Salem. For example, a modern activity equivalent to Tituba’s voodoo tricks and incantations might be to tinker with a Ouija board. Today’s occult practitioners are quick to tell amateurs who dabble in such activities they do so at their own peril, and apparently these occultists have a good deal of support in this regard. I just plugged the words “Ouija warnings” into Google, and it turned up 146,000 results.
I only checked out the entries on page one of the Google listings but all were about scary things that happened to people who were messing around with Ouija boards. A typical example is that of a woman and a friend who were in the kitchen speaking to a spirit through the board who told them his name was Dave, and that he was a fireman who died in 1938. They were chatting with Dave when she realized her hands were above her head and no matter how she tried she couldn’t bring them down. She also was unable to speak. Imagine her panic. In the meantime, her friend was busy asking Dave questions, and didn’t notice. She was beginning to hyperventilate and wanted desperately to get her friend’s attention but couldn’t move or utter a sound. She said she felt a heaviness pressing down on her like a dead weight and all the while the Ouija board kept her friend busy answering questions. Finally, the friend looked up at her and saw instantly something was terribly wrong. The friend picked up the board, ran with it to the top of the basement stairs, and tossed it down. The woman was released from her paralysis. Even so, other strange things kept happening until the next morning when they deposited the Ouija board in a dumpster in the alley.
The advice of every entry on Google I read is the same—stay away from Ouija boards and such. No doubt the Parris girls and their friends had heard similar warnings about fooling around with occult activities. But Tituba’s tales and voodoo tricks stirred up a measure of excitement in what was no doubt a typically boring New England winter. Their curiosity likely got the best of them, and it wasn’t long before they began to act in strange and aberrant ways.
There is much more to the Salem witch hysteria that began in the winter of 1692 and continued until fall. Over that period, a total of 19 people were hanged, one was crushed to death, and five died in prison.
Ironically, Tituba was not one of them.
About the author:
Stephen Hawley Martin is a professional writer and ghostwriter, the winner of half a dozen national awards for his work, and the Editor and Publisher of The Oaklea Press. Visit to find out how you can work with him to bring your book to reality.
About the book:
“A Witch in the Family: The Salem Witch Trials Re-examined”
By Stephen Hawley Martin
Softcover | 5.5 x 8.5 in | 234 pages | ISBN-13: 978-1545004678
E-Book | Amazon Kindle | ASIN: B06XY8WWJ6
Available on Amazon:
Published by The Oaklea Press and distributed by CreateSpace
Review by E. Maceri
These two books, which are called “The Wisdom & Insights Series Volume 1 & 2,” by Gene Andrade, share an amazing amount of helpful spiritual insights. Star Wisdom presents an overview of life from an extraterrestrial viewpoint that, paradoxically, is very much down to Earth. The reader is presented with a universal set of seven timeless principles to guide both the individual and society as a whole, which diverge significantly from what we presently practice in our Earthly philosophies and religions:
“1. Oneness: instead of duality and multiplicity (God, Christ, Holy Spirit, multiple religions, etc.) there is the principle of oneness.
2. Eternal Evolution of Spirit: instead of Heaven and Hell (or Nirvana and Samsara), there is the principle of eternal evolution of spirit.
3. Self-responsibility: Inst
4. Unconditional Love: Instead of the often false and fickle emotionalism of Earthlings, there is the principle of unconditional and abiding love.
5. True Balance: Instead of the chaos, fanaticism, and imbalance so characteristic of the individual and societies on Earth, there is the principle of true and real balance.
6. Truth: Instead of dogmas and falsehoods, there is the principle of truth.
7. Equality: And instead of the widespread discrimination, suppression, and repression of women and minorities, there is the principle of equality.”
The author goes on to state, “These seven basic principles provide the foundation for a philosophy of life that is conducive to real spiritual growth and harmonious transformation of both individuals and society as a whole.”
Even though this book is based on information gleaned from direct personal encounters between a poor Swiss farmer and extraterrestrials, the information is not only fascinating, but the practical applications are very helpful. After reading the uplifting material in this book, I find myself now seeing life differently, in a better way. The vicissitudes of life don’t seem quite so chaotic—everything seems to make more sense. The spiritual principles give an underlying rationale for life’s ups and downs. I feel more peaceful and accepting of the way things are now in a world that, when presented to us in the daily news headlines, often appears to be spiraling out of control.
Earth Wisdom is the second volume in this Wisdom & Insights Series and offers numerous insights and novel ways for individuals to work on themselves in a spiritual way. After briefly giving an overview of his life and relating his own intriguing experiences with different teachers and gurus over the years, the author proceeds to give some direction from the spiritual wisdom he gained for himself. And this I found to be the most interesting material, as it offers useful practical methods that really work when applied to one’s daily life. Andrade jumps into a series of techniques for helping to stay balanced in a crazy world. He lists nine basic principles of spiritual growth and then presents three different ways of applying them. Andrade encourages the reader to question how these principles are being lived in one’s life and how they balance each other. Using many beautiful diagrams and drawings to guide the reader, he urges one to reflect on one’s life and see the underlying causes of mental, emotional, and spiritual disharmony and exactly how to achieve true balance and happiness.
In my opinion, these two books are invaluable in discovering the wisdom and insights so necessary for a life well lived, for a life of genuine joy, and, most especially, for a life of true value. I highly recommend Star Wisdom and Earth Wisdom for the curious reader who is looking for practical and useful spiritual guidance, which has the potential, one person at a time, to change our world.
About the author, Gene Andrade:
“I am a lifelong seeker of truth and wisdom. For many years I studied with a famous spiritual teacher who glorified yoga and meditation. When I realized that I was out of touch with my feelings, I then studied with a teacher who glorified emotions. Feeling bored after a few years, I then studied with a teacher who glorified the mind. Awakening to the reality that all are equal and that nobody should be followed, I finally went my own way. Now I follow my own heart and look within for the light to guide me on my path.
These two books are the distillation of what I have found to be helpful and true. After 50 years of searching and seeking for spiritual understanding, I can testify that the Truth is simple and obvious. It is just our minds that cloud our vision and seem to obscure our own innate wisdom. It is my experience that spiritual practices are necessary for illumination and personal growth. Earth Wisdom is my attempt to share what I have found helpful in my own life. Star Wisdom presents an overview of how life can be harmonious, balanced, and conducive to maximum spiritual evolution. It is my hope that you find the insights in my books to be helpful in your own journey. ”